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FV^^W^A 



Turning the Trick 

A Dramatic Comedy in Three Acts 



By ^ 

J. c. Mcmullen 

Author of " When a Feller Needs a Friend,'* etc. 



NOTE 

The professional rights in this play are strictly reserved and 
application for the right to produce it should be made to the 
author in care of the publishers. Amateurs may produce it with- 
out payment of royalty on condition that the name of the author 
appears on all programmes and advertising issued in connection 
with such performances. 




BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
1920 



F5 25 ZS^ 



Turning the Trick 



CHARACTERS 



Patrick Casey, a retired contractor, 
Mary Anne, his wife. 
Michael, his son. 

George Drake, a friend of the family . 

Eileen, the maid. 

" Humpy " Steele, the janitor. 

Jim Dougherty, of the U. S. Treasury Department. 

Madam Anna Bairski, a bolshevik. 

Armand Francois Boni Aime De Lovier, a modiste. 

Place.— New York City. 

Scene. — Living-room of the Casey residence. 

Time. — The present. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I.— 3 : oo p. m., a Monday afternoon in June. 
Act II.— 4 : oo p. m., Tuesday afternoon. 
Act III.— Midnight, Tuesday. 




Copyright, 1920, by J. C. McMullen 



Free for amateur performance. 
Professional and 7noving picture rights reserved, 

©GIO 55764 

OCT 14 1920 



COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

Patrick. A fatherly, kindly man of fifty-five, inter- 
ested in his home and family, with but a slight trace of 
Irish brogue. Under no circumstances should this part 
be played as the usual stage Irishman. Should wear dark 
pants, fancy vest, stiff bosom shirt, narrow black tie and 
smoking jacket, in first and second acts, trousers and 
dressing gown in third act, as though hurriedly aroused 
from bed. - 

Mary Anne. About forty-five years of age. Should 
be played in an affected manner until last part of third 
act when she should become her natural self. First act, 
street dress and hat, removing hat on entrance. Second 
act, afternoon dress. Third act, negligee. 

Michael. A young man of twenty-four or twenty- 
five. Should be given careful rehearsing and played 
rather emotionally, especially in third act. First act, first 
appearance, business suit and hat, changing to tennis 
costume. Second and third act, business suit. 

Kathleen. Twenty-one or twenty-two years of age. 
Affected, patterned after her mother. Acts I and II, 
house dress. Act III, street dress with hat. 

Maggie. Girl of nineteen. Acts I and II, plain house 
dress. Act III, first appearance, house dress, as worn 
in Act II. Second appearance, nightgown, hair down 
back, etc. 

Eileen. Girl of twenty-three or twenty-f our ; maid's 
costume. 

Drake. Young man of twenty-five. Business suit 
first and second acts. Third act, dressing gown over 
pajamas. Hair should be rumpled, etc., for this appear- 
ance. 

Humpy. Should be played in a rough, gruff manner, 
excepting when speaking to Madam Bairski. Should 
wear cap, down over eyes, have hump on back, keep him- 
self in stooped position. Third act, entrance after pistol 
shot, should throw off all disguise, standing erect and 

3 



4 NOTE 

Speaking in natural voice. Can be played at any age to 
suit person playing role. 

Madam Bairski. Woman of about thirty. First act, 
Russian blouse, hair put up to give the appearance of be- 
ing bobbed. Second act, plain afternoon dress. Third 
act, street dress and hat. 

Armand. Excitable Frenchman. Dressed in extreme 
of fashion. Black hair, small black moustache. Last 
appearance in last act, should have bedspread thrown 
over shoulders, giving the appearance as though he had 
nothing on but underwear and socks. 

Jim. Business suit and hat. 



NOTE 

Stage plan is given on page 7. In first act place 
should be provided under table down c. for placing the 
diamonds. This place should be secure so they will not 
be jolted out. It should be in such a location that audi- 
ence can see the bag being handled back and forth, but 
should not be in view of any one on the stage. 

Sunlight can be shown through window for first and 
second acts. 

Third act can be made very effective by having dim 
footlights, table lamp on center table, and moonlight 
streaming through window. No other lighting should 
be used. The moonlight should be directed to strike the 
couch or divan, so that characters sitting on divan will 
have moonlight on face. Michael's confession to his 
father can be particularly effective by this method. 

Thone can be used to best advantage if placed on 
table, center. 



TAKE NOTICE 

The professional acting rights of this play are owned and re- 
served by the author. Performance is strictly forbidden unless 
his consent, or that of his agent, has first been obtained, and 
attention is called to the penalties provided by law for any in- 
fringements of his rights, as follows : 



Sec. 28. That any person who wilfully and for profit shall infringe any 
Copyright secured by this Act, or who shall knowingly and wilfull> aid 
or abet such infringement, shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor, and 
upon conviction thereof shall be punished by imprisonment for not ex- 
ceeding one year or by a fine of not less than one hundred dollars, or both, 
at the discretion of the court. 

Shc, 29. That any person who, with fraudulent intent, shall insert or 
impress any notice of Copyright required by this Act, or words of the 
same Purport, m or upon any uncopyrighted article, or with fraudulent in- 
tent shall remove or alter the copyright notice upon any article duly copy- 
righted shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, punishable by a fine of not less 
than one hundred dollars and not more than one thousand dollars 



Turning the Trick 



ACT I 

SCENE. — A living-room in Patrick Casey's house. 
Entrance c. giving on hallway. Doors, upper r. to 
music room; dozvn r. ; dozvn l. to hall. Window up l. 
Chair r. of C. d. ; r. betzveen doors. Divan up l. 
Small table l. between door and window. Large table 
and two chairs down c. See following diagram. 





lOCKo.r 




o<rA*> 




o\ 






1 C^iran \ 

Smell 
T4,ble, 




L 


Tatle. 1 


i 



(At rise Michael appears in hallzvay. Pauses and 
looks back. Is holding hand inside coat as though 
hiding something. Stai^ts toward table as Eileen 
appears in window with arnifid of flowers. As she 
sees Michael she steps back. Michael goes to 
table, c, removes small bag from under coat {bag 
should contain a few pebbles) and puts it in place 
that shoidd be provided for it in the framework on 
underside of table. He then listens a moment, looks 
around room, and hurriedly exits upstairs. Eileen 
comes forward as Patrick enters r. zvith pair of red 
flannel drawers in his hand. He is attempting to 
sew button on the drazvers. Sits r. of table. Eileen 
arranges flozvers in vase zvhich shoidd be on table.) 

Patrick. And where'd your mistress be after bein', 
Eileen ? 



8 TURNING THE TRICK 

Eileen. She is attending the meeting of the Execu- 
tive Board at the Home for Aged Poodle Dogs. 

Patrick (as though not understanding) . What's that 
you're sayin'? 

Eileen. I said she was attending the meeting of the 
Executive Board at the Home for Aged Poodle Dogs. 

Patrick. Aged poodle dogs, is it ? Faith ! and if she'd 
be after sewin' a few of the buttons on me underpants 
I think she'd be a-spendin' of her time to better advan- 
tage. Aged poodle dogs ! To think that anny one with 
the name of Casey would be after gallivantin' after the 
likes of that. {Pause while he attempts to thread needle.) 
'Tis a great world, ain't it, Eileen ? 

Eileen {smiling). Yes, indeed, Mr. Casey. 

Patrick. And a great age we live in, Eileen. 

Eileen. Indeed it is, Mr. Casey. 

Patrick. Faith ! The men have to go out and make 
the money and then stay at home and do the housework 
while the women do be out a-spendin' of it. 

Eileen. Hardly as bad as that, Mr. Casey. 

Patrick. It is ! It is ! Times do be a-changin', 
Eileen. {Bites end off thread.) Ye're a fine little girl, 
Eileen, and the home's blessed that has ye in it. Let me 
tell ye something, Eileen. Never be ashamed to stay at 
home and do the work that the good God put ye in the 
world to do. Now here I am, worth around a million, 
and I have to sew the buttons on me own underpants 
because me wife is after spendin' her time a-manicunn' 
poodle dogs. I wish I was carryin' the hod again, that I 
do. I seen Mary Anne once a day then, annyhow. 
Yes I did. And we had fine things to eat then, Eileen. 
Petaties and fried ham and corn beef and cabbage. Why, 
Eileen ! I ain't had a plate of corn beef and cabbage for 
tin years. Mary Anne won't have it. Says it's plebien, 
she does* Ah, well, I suppose when ye're rich ye must 
stand up under what it brings ye. Now take Mike. As 
fine a lad as there ever was. (Eileen looks tozvard 
stairs zvhere Michael made exit.) But what's he doin'? 
Nothing, absolutely nothing, but dilly-dallying around 
from one pink tea to another. But I guess I'm an old 



TURNING THE TRICK 9 

fool to be talkin' to ye like this, Eileen. Faith and I 
suppose it's little ye care about me and me troubles. 

Eileen. You are mistaken, Mr. Casey. I am inter- 
ested in your affairs, as you know, and if it makes you 
any happier to talk to me, I am sure I will be glad to 
listen to you. 

Patrick. Would ye listen to that now? Kathleen 
never says anything half so pretty to me. But as I was 
a-sayin' about Mike: He's worried over something and 
what it is I don't know and he won't tell me. Wanted 
me to increase his allowance about a month ago. Said it 
wasn't enough for him to live on decently. And just 
think of it, Eileen, I give him three hundred dollars a 
month to spend as he pleases. I wonder if he does need 
money. 

(Mary Anne enters halhvay; stands in doorway.) 

Eileen. I think it is something else, Mr. Casey. I 
have noticed Michael, and he has something on his mind, 
something entirely different from what you think. 

Mary A. Eileen, you may leave the room ! 

Eileen. Yes, Madam. [Exits r. 

Mary A. I do wish, Patrick, you wouldn't discuss 
family affairs with the servants. 

Patrick. And for why? Nobody else around the 
house takes the time to talk to me. 

Mary A. Will you never learn to uphold your posi- 
tion ? You are a millionaire. She is a common working 
girl. What can people of her class have in common 
with us? 

Patrick. She may be a workin' girl but she's a fine 
little lady, Mary Anne. 

Mary A. Don't call me Mary Anne ! I have told you 
about that a dozen and one times. 

{Sits L. of table and picks up hook.) 

Patrick. And I suppose ye want me to be after 
callin' ye by yer new name, Marie Annette. Marie 
Annette Casey ! A fine combination. It's like a piece of 
French pastry floating around on a dish of Irish stew. 

Mary A. Patrick! Don't be so vulgar. Irish stew! 



10 TURNING THE TRICK 

Patrick. Content yourself. I never ask you to ate 
any of it. I'm not like you are with me corn beef and 
cabbage. Why, I ain't had a dish of corn beef and 
cabbage for But what's the use? Where's Kath- 
leen ? 

Mary A. Getting ready for her dancing lesson, I pre- 
sume. 

Patrick. Dancin' lesson? Dancin' is it ye call it? 
Ye mean learnin' how to do flip-flops with as few clothes 
on as she can get away with. 

Mary A. Patrick ! You are 

Patrick. I know what I'm talkin' about. They don't 
dance a dacent dance anny more. Ye must aither have 
these new fashioned things, that ain't dances at all, at all, 
or be after goin' in for these no-clothes affairs 

Mary A. No-clothes affairs? What are you talking 
about ? 

Patrick. The kind that Kathleen's learnin'. Ye have 
nothing on from here up (measures waist) and less on 
from there down. 

Mary A. Patrick! I 

Patrick. Wait a minute, now, wait a minute. I 
just got in the talkin' humor this afternoon. Me daughter 
being up there with that dago dancin' master 

Mary A. Italian, Patrick, not dago. 

Patrick. Dago I said and dago I mean. Didn't I 
carry the hod with them for years ? Don't I know a dago 
whether he do be a hod-carrier or a hi-falutin' dancin' 
master? Answer me that now? 

Mary A. Signor Romagnola is one of the greatest 
men in his profession. 

Patrick. Profession? Profession do ye be after 
callin' it? Do you call it a profession for a he-man to 
be up-stairs prancin' around like a dog with a tin can 
tied to his tail, when he could be doin' some good in the 
world by diggin' ditches or shovelin' coal? Profession 
me eye ! 

Mary A. There are any number of men who have 
been dancers who have held a high place in the world's 
esteem. 



TURNING THE TRICK II 

Patrick. Did ye ever hear of an Irishman doin' it? 

Mary A. No, I never did. 

Patrick {triumphantly). There ye are. 'Tis noth- 
ing for a dacent man to be into then. 

Mary A. Oh, that's all you think about. Ireland and 
the Irish. You should be an American by this time. 
You are a naturalized citizen and have been in this coun- 
try long enough, 

Patrick. I am an American and a good one and I'm 
all the better one for rememberin' where I came from. 
Because a man gets married is no reason for forgettin' 
his mother, is it? Where's Mike? 

JMary a. Michael is playing tennis, I presume. 

Patrick. Playin* tennis, is it? Ye mane bouncin' a 
baby ball around with a fly swatter. Does it be decorated 
with baby blue ribbons for the little darlint ? 

Mary A. I won't stand for this. All you have done 
since I came in here is decry your children. First it was 
darling Kathleen and now it's Michael. 

Patrick. Mike ! 

Mary A. Michael ! 

Patrick {louder). Mike! 

Mary A. Michael ! 

Patrick {rising and hammering table). Mike! 
{Runs needle in hand.) Ouch! Mother of Moses! 
Now look what ye're the cause of me doin'. If ye'd staid 
at home and put the buttons on me underpants instead 
of gallivantin' off to play nurse girl to a bunch of poodle 
dogs that ought to be shot, ye'd be better off and so 
would I. 

Mary A. {crying). Oh, Patrick! Such language. 
Will you never learn to be anything but a plain hod- 
carrier? {Walks toward window.) 

Patrick. No, thank God! I won't. {Follows her.) 
I am 2i hod-carrier and I'm proud of it. I'm contented 
to stay at home and enjoy what little the good God gave 
me instead of tryin' all the new-fangled, fool fads people 
with ten times the money I have bring up. I don't be- 
lieve in me daughter dancin' half naked with a dago 
dancin' master. I don't believe in me son, a fine built 



12 TURNING THE TRICK 

strappin' lad, playin' tennis and fooling his time away 
with such lady-l'ike accomplishments when he could be 
after makin' a little money and a name for himself as a 
contractor, like his old dad. He and Kathleen can run 
to all the Jazz dances that's goin' on night after night, 
but do ye ever hear them comin' in and tellin' their old 
father and mother they stopped in to church and spent 
a few minutes with their Maker? They do not. It ain't 
the fashion nowadays to even admit ye're a Christian. 
They can attend seven or eight theatres a week with a 
lot of indacent picture shows thrown in between times, 
but they ain't got time to get down on their two knees 
two or three minutes a day and thank the good Lord that 
made them that He gave them a good father and mother. 

Mary A. They appreciate us, I am sure. 

Patrick. Maybe they do you. They never acquaint 
me of the fact. 

Mary A. How absurd. 

Patrick. I've been wantin' Mike to take up con- 
tractin' and settle down, but will he do it? Not so you 
could notice it, as Maggie says. There's the girl for me. 
She has some sense, she has. 

Mary A. Humph ! {Sits l.) 

Patrick. Humph yourself ! . I say she has. She 
knows how to cook and to bake and to scrub and make 
her own clothes and be dacent to her old father, and 
that's a lot more than yer precious Kathie does. 

Mary A. Kathleen's your child as well as mine. 

Patrick. Ye mean she used to be; not anny more. 
And Mike. Does he ever give me a pleasant word? 
From the way he speaks to me ye'd think I was the 
butler or the butcher boy. Now, Mary Anne, why don't 
he settle down, pick out a good girl for himself and get 
married. There's me friend O'Malley's daughter. 
O'Malley's pretty well to do and would give her a nice 
little pile to help Mike along in business. Six months or 
so ago I wrote to O'Malley and he was tickled to death 
about it. 

Mary A. (jumping up and shaking finger at Pat- 
rick). You did! Let me inform you that Michael is 



TURNING THE TRICK I3 

not going to marry your friend O'Malley's daughter. 
What do you know about her? They have Hved in Cali- 
fornia ever since she was born. You don't know her, I 
don't know her and I'm very sure Michael don't want to 
know her. (Sitting.) Besides, Patrick dear, I shall 
never urge my children to marry. I have become a 
convert to the Gospel of Freedom. 

Patrick. What the devil are ye talkin' about now? 

Mary A. I believe that we are free to live our life as 
we choose, unshackled by the conventions of society. 
Why should we be tied down all our life? The birds of 
the air are not. The beasts of the field are not, and we 
all belong to the one great order of love. 

Patrick (disgusted). Bunk! Fiddlesticks! Bosh! 

(Sits table.) 

Mary A. (resignedly). Oh, I knew you wouldn't 
understand. You never do. You know I have been 
thinking lately of divorcing you, Patrick, and choosing 
an affinity that would be more of a soul mate, one that 
really understands me. (Sits l.) 

Patrick (aghast). What! Divorcing me? Why 

Mary A. (paying no attention to him). But to return 
to Michael. If he ever does marry he will select some- 
one a little more in his own class than your friend 
O'Malley's daughter. 

Patrick. His own class, is it ? Mike's a hod-carrier's 
son. You was ticklin' the suds in yer mother's wash-tub 
when I married ye, and O'Malley was section boss on the 
railroad before he got to be superintendent or gineral 
manager or whatever the divil he is. His own class ! I 
think he would be gettin' right into it. 

Mary A. Patrick! Don't bring up such disgusting 
details of our early life. We are trying hard to outlive 
those things. 

Patrick. I suppose it's trying to outlive those things 
that causes Mike and Kathleen to run around with the 
divorcees and half-crooks and tango lizards and tearoom 
bums and 

Mary A. (angrily). You are positively disgusting, 



I^ TURNING THE TRICK 

speaking in such a manner of your own children. They 
must act as others in their set are doing. I can see 
nothing wrong in what they are doing. 

Patrick. Oh, I know ye foster them in it. I'm old 
fashioned and I don't go in for takin' care of ancient 
poodle dogs and doin' the latest dance steps, and I wear 
red flannel underwear and I smoke a clay pipe and I go 
to bed at nine o'clock, and I don't believe a man should 
have three or four wives if he wants them. One's 
enough for me. 

Mary A. You are insulting ! 

(Rushes from room, by stairs, passing Maggie who 
is entering. Maggie looks after mother, then goes 
to Patrick.) 

Maggie. What on earth is the matter with Mumsy ? 

Patrick {looking around). Whist! Don't be after 
calling of yer mother Mumsy. It'll be offendin' of her 
delicate ear. 

Maggie. Daddy! You've been quarreling with 
mother again. 

Patrick. Quarreling is it ye call it ? Sure and I was 
only givin' her a piece of me mind and a mightly little 
piece at that. I have a whole lot stored tip here for the 
next time I have a chance at her. 

Maggie {standing hack of Patrick with arms about 
his neck). What's come over mother lately. Daddy; 
she don't seem a bit like herself. 

Patrick. Faith and it's that bare-legged dancin' and 
takin' care of poodle dogs and writin' papers for women's 
clubs on things she knows nothin' about, and a half a 
dozen other things she's taken up that's changed her. 
She ain't herself at all, at all. She don't want to be 
called Mary Anne anny more. It's Marie Annette, if you 
please. And she puts the accent on the last syllable of 
me name now. Did ye know that ? 

Maggie. No ! 

Patrick. It's a fact. I'm Patrick Cas^^ now. 'Tis 
wonderful what devilment a woman do be gettin' into 
when she has no washin' or ironin' to do. She do be 



TURNING THE TRICK I5 

findin' out that the Caseys originally came from Italy. 
That they was the Dukes of Bologni or Spaghetti or 
some other Eyetalian place, and that they finally settled 
in Ireland and their name was corrupted into plain old- 
fashioned Casey. 

Maggie. When was all this discovered? 

(Sits table.) 

Patrick. The Lord knows ! She was tellin' me of 
it the other night. I suppose she'll be after calling me 
Alfonso or Pietro or Guiseppi one of these days if she 
thinks she can get away with it. 

Maggie. Imagine you called Pietro Casei. 

Patrick. Yes, and imagine me doin' one of them new- 
fangled dances that Kathleen's so crazy about. (Rises 
and attempts to kick over his head and falls to floor.) 
Do you see? I'm an old fool, that's what I am. 

Kathleen (entering hallway). Father! What are 
you doing in that undignified position? 

Patrick. Undignified is it? Faith and if I had half 
me clothes off and was standing on one toe wigglin' an 
old tin plate above me head it would be all right, wouldn't 
it? But as I have all me clothes on and am only sittin* 
on the floor it's all wrong, (Rises.) 

Kathleen. We won't discuss that now. But I do 
wish you wouldn't do such foolish things. Suppose 
some of my friends had dropped in. 

Patrick. Suppose and they had. All they would 
have seen would have been an old Irish gentleman sittin' 
on the floor a-talkin' to his daughter. Nothing very out 
of the ordinary about that. (Goes to light pipe.) 

Kathleen. Please don't smoke that horrid pipe in 
here, father. 

(Patrick looks at her and then puts pipe in pocket.) 

Maggie (hastily). What's in the wind now, Kathie? 
Kathleen. Could you help Eileen prepare a little 
lunch for about four o'clock ? I have a friend coming in. 
Maggie. Who's coming? 
Kathleen. Anna Bairski. 



l6 TURNING THE TRICK 

Patrick. Who's she? 

Kathleen. A friend of mine, I told you. 

Patrick. Where did you pick her up? 

Kathleen. Mother and I have met her a number of 
times at the women's club during the past couple of 
weeks, if you must know. 

Patrick. And what does she do for a livin' ? 

Kathleen. She doesn't do anything. She's a bol- 
shevik. 

Patrick. Oh, I see. Does everybody. One of these 
Russian fumadiddles we hear so much about lately. 
What does she want you to do ? Burn the post-office or 
just shoot the mayor? 

Kathleen. Father! Don't be ridiculous. 

Patrick. Is she married? 

Kathleen. She doesn't believe in marriage. 

Patrick (aghast). What! Doesn't believe in mar- 
riage? What kind of a haythen is she? 

Kathleen. Please, father ! Madam Bairski may be 
with us for several weeks and while she is here I do 
wish you wouldn't bring up subjects you don't under- 
stand. (Takes book from table and sits l.) 

Patrick (angrily). Don't understand? Don't under- 
stand, is it? I understand I'd like to take you over me 
two knees and spank you for talkin' such nonsense. 
Don't understand ! You a little snip of twenty tell an 
old man of fifty-five he don't understand when he says 
a woman's a fool that don't believe in matrimony. I — I — 

I Ah, but what's the use in talkin' ? Faith I don't 

know what's got into you and your mother lately. I'll 
take me pipe and go out in the back yard and have a little 
smoke. It's the only place I can have any peace lately. 

[Exits zvindow. 

Kathleen. Poor father ! He's so hopelessly old- 
fashioned. Not a bit like mother. 

Maggie. No, thank God! He isn't. I can't under- 
stand what's gotten into you and mother lately. Daddy 
hasn't the satisfaction of even doing as he pleases in his 
own home. It's a pretty pass when he has to go into the 
back yard to smoke. 



TURNING THE TRICK 1 7 

Michael {enters right). Where's the mater? 

Maggie. Mumsy is up in her room mirsing a grouch 
if I am any judge of matters. She flounced out of the 
room just as I came in and from what I could gather 
she and father had been having a little tiff. 

Michael. That's about all they get done lately. Why 
can't they live in peace ? It's so hopelessly old-fashioned 
to be always scrapping. 

{Throws hwiself comfortably on couch as Maggie 
goes toward him.) 

Maggie. I'll tell you why they can't live in peace. 
It's because mother and Kathleen, yes, and you too, Mike, 
are trying to run the Casey ship on the rocks. 

Michael. Oh, come now, I say. Just because we 
go in for a little pleasure in life don't give you license 
to say we're trying to shipwreck the old boat. 

Maggie. What else do you call it? Father made the 
money that keeps us going and all you three do is spend 
it and in ways too that you know father don't like. 

{Goes hack to table.) 

Michael. Precious little he gives me to spend. I 
asked him for a little more last month and you would 
have thought he was broke from the howl he put up. 

Maggie. All you think about is to run to him for 
money or when you need something. 

Kathleen. Don't mind her, Michael. She and father 
make a good pair. They would be contented to be in 
Shantytown yet if we hadn't had a little ambition and 
made father build this place. 

Maggie. Yes, and what pleasure does he get out of 
it? You object to any of his friends coming here. What 
good does this place do him? 

Kathleen. But, Maggie, his friends are such im- 
possible creatures. Just think of that old Brannigan, 
here. 

Maggie. And what of it? What's the matter with 
old Mr. Brannigan? 

Kathleen. Maggie, you can be funny when you 



l8 TURNING THE TRICK 

want to. What's the matter with old Mr. Brannigan? 
Run along now and attend to the lunch, won't you? 
That's a dear. 

(Goes to Maggie; puts arm around her shoulders.) 

Maggie. Yes, I'll attend to your lunch for you, Kath- 
leen, because it's the kind of work I enjoy, but one of 
these days the three of you will be sorry for heckling 
and bickering with a poor old man like Daddy who de- 
serves all your kindness and care now that he is growing 
old. [Exits R. 

Kathleen. Maggie's just like father. No ambition 
whatever. She is perfectly contented to sit down and 
enjoy what she has. Imagine her asking what's the mat- 
ter with that old fool of a Brannigan. The last time he 
was here I gave him plainly to understand he could stay 
in Shantytown. I didn't want him telling my friends 
about the time he and father were carrying the hod to- 
gether. 

Michael. Who's coming this afternoon? 

Kathleen. A perfect duck of a girl that mother and 
I met at the Women's Club a couple of weeks ago. She's 
a Russian and her name's Anna Bairski and would you 
believe it, Michael, she's a bolshevik. 

{Sits on couch beside Michael.) 

Michael. Dirty and smelly, I suppose. 

Kathleen. No, she isn't ! She's wonderful and has 
some of the most advanced views, Michael. Mother and 
I are going to cultivate her because I know she can help 
us in our campaign to get into society. Why, Michael, 
she doesn't believe in marriage at all. Says we are all as 
free as the birds and that the mere mumbling of a few 
words over us by a minister has nothing whatever to do 
with our lives. Oh, I'm crazy about her. 

Michael. I should say she has advanced views. 
I'm with you in all your schemes to really get somewhere 
but I still have enough religion and common sense left 
not to believe in such junk as that. 

Kathleen. I don't want a sermon from you. I just 



TURNING THE TRICK I9 

had one from father. (Goes back to table. Better 
Eileen with card.) Send her right up. (Eileen exits.) 
She's come, Michael! (Goes to him.) They were all 
after her at the club and we got her. I know she'll be 
just wonderful. I want you to have tea with us. But 
what will we do if father should come in? He would be 
sure to do something he shouldn't. (Anna enters c. d.) 
Good-afternoon, Madam Bairski. (Goes toward Anna.) 

Anna. Comrade Anna, if you please. We are all 
equal, you understand. 

Kathleen. Oh, yes, yes, of course. I'm so glad you 
came. My brother, Mr. Casey. 

(Michael bows; Anna nodding.) 

Anna (looking around). You are of the capitalistic 
class, I see? 

Michael. Er, what ? 

(Michael, r., Kathleen, c, Anna, l.) 

Anna. You are of the rich, the cursed rich, that's 
what I mean. The rich that oppresses the poor, grinds 
them down, tears their very hearts from them and feeds 
it to the dogs. 

Michael. Er, yes. (To Kathleen.) A little oif 
here, eh? (Taps head.) 

Kathleen. Hush ! She'll hear you. You see, 
Madam Bairski 

Anna. Comrade, Comrade Anna. We only use our 
surnames for legal purposes. What good are they other- 
wise? 

Michael. That's true. I could very easily get along 
without Casey. 

Anna. Are there any converts to the wonderful 
cause, the glorious cause in this house ? 

Kathleen. I can hardly say, as yet. You see it's so 
new and 

Anna. New! It's as old as the ages. The Brother- 
hood of Man ! Ah, that I could see it spread all over 
the world and the accursed rich wiped out like the carrion 



20 TURNING THE TRICK 

they are. (Michael is getting fidgety and starts stealth- 
ily toward R.) They have oppressed the poor and the 
aged. (Notices Michael.) Sit down! (Michael 
flops on chair suddenly. ) They have oppressed the poor 
and the aged, the children and the sick, until the World's 
very heart calls out for help and succor. (Stops and 
studies a moment.) The World's very heart. That's a 
good phrase. I'll use that in my next lecture. Where 
v^as I? Oh, yes, the World's very heart, the World's 

very heart, the What was I saying? 

Michael. Search me. 

(Patrick enters window and knocks pipe against 
frame to knock out the ashes.) 

Kathleen. Father! Don't do that! {To Anna.) 
Comrade Anna, allow me to introduce you to my father. 

Anna (shaking hands with Patrick). I am very glad 
to meet you, Comrade Patrick. 

Patrick. Eh, what? Patrick? I garry, why don't 
you be sociable and call me Paddy. I haven't heard it 
since we got our first hired girl and Mary Anne got on 
her dignity and tacked Patrick on to me. 

Anna. You are of the idle rich, I presume? 

Patrick. No, not at all. Ye have me mixed up with 
me son over there. (Points to Michael.) 

Michael. Oh, I say, father, quit your spoofing. 

Patrick (drawing arm as though fo strike him). Aw, 
shut up. Answer me like a man or keep your mouth shut. 

(Eileen enters and stands halhvay.) 

Kathleen. If you will excuse us, father, we will take 
Comrade Anna to the music room where we can have our 
talk undisturbed. (To Eileen.) Has Mons. De Lovier 
arrived? 

Eileen. Not yet. Miss Casey. 

[Kathleen, Anna and Michael ^jtr^V music room. 

Patrick. And who's Moonsier De Lovier, Eileen? 

Eileen. He is Miss Casey's modiste. 

Patrick. Her what ? 



TURNING THE TRICK 21 

Eileen. Her costumer. Her dressmaker. 

Patrick. And do they be after havin' men dress- 
makers now? 

Eileen. Oh, yes; the real high priced ones are all 
men. 

Patrick. Glory be to God! We'll be havin' men 
nurse girls next. At that I do be thinkin' it would be a 
good job for Mike. And what would ye be after tellin' 
me, Eileen? 

Eileen. Mr. Drake has called. 

Patrick. Send him right up. He's a fine lad, Eileen. 
(Eileen exits.) I wish me own boy was like him. 

George (enters hallway and shakes hands with Pat- 
rick). Hello, Mr. Casey. 

Patrick. Hello yourself. 'Tis glad I am to see you. 
Sit down. (They sit couch.) I was askin' Kathleen the 
other day where ye do be keepin' yourself and she said 
she didn't know. 

George. To tell the truth, Mr. Casey, it was about 
Kathleen I came to see you to-day. You know we have 
been friends for a long time and I always thought that, 
well, that she and I 

Patrick. Ye always thought ye would like to marry 
her until she begun making such a damn fool of herself 
as she has lately. 

George (eagerly). Yes, that's it. (Catches himself.) 
Oh, no, no, that isn't what I mean. 

Patrick (laying hand on George's shoulder). Yes it 
is, I know. I've known ye for a long time, George, me 
boy, and if I didn't know ye had more sense than to 
stand for her monkey doodle business and her interpre- 
tative dances and her bolsheviki and her free love and her 
puttin' on airs generally, I wouldn't want ye for a son- 
in-law. 

George. Well, you have it about right, Mr. Casey. I 
can't stand for such nonsense. While we have never said 
much about it, even between ourselves, we have been 
practically engaged for the past year, yet the other day 
when I asked her about our engagement and setting the 
date for the wedding, she said she didn't believe in mar- 



22 TURNING THE TRICK 

riage, at least not as it was practised in America. That 
we were all as free as the air, married and unmarried 
alike. It rather staggered me, I'll confess. 

Patrick. Staggered ye, did it ? Faith and it walloped 
me on the jaw when I heard it until me head's dizzy with 
tryin' to comprehend her and her mother's shennanigans. 
Would ye believe it, me name's changed ? 

George. What ! 

Patrick. It's a fact. Me name's no longer Casey. 
It's Casei. 

George. What are you talking about ? 

Patrick. 'Tis a fact, I tell you. Mary Anne changed 
me from an honest-to-God Irishman into a dago, just 
like that. {Snaps fingers.) 

George. Such rot ! 

Patrick. Rot's right. Tryin' to make an Eyetalian 
out of an Irishman. Can you imagine me ever givin' up 
me corn beef and cabbage for spaghetti? Although there 
ain't much chance of me givin' it up, for Mary Anne 
won't let me ate it at all anny more. 

George. Is there nothing that can be done to bring 
them to their senses ? 

Patrick. If there is I wish somebody would tell me 
about it. 

Humpy (enters hallway). Is this a union house? 

(George and Patrick both turn to him.) 

Patrick. A what ? 

Humpy. A union house, a union house. That's what 
I said. 

Patrick (to George). I suppose that's one of Kath- 
leen's bolsheviks or walkin' delegates or something like 
that. 

George. Who are you and what do you want? 

Humpy. ^ I'm the new janitor, see, and I wants to 
know If this is a union house. If you pays your help 
union wages? Do you get me? 

(Should be looking around the room continually as 
though searching for something.) 



TURNING THE TRICK 23 

Eileen (at c. d.). There is no work to be done in this 
room, Mr. Steele. 

Humpy. I knows it. I just came in to see the head 
of the house to see if he pays his help union wages. 

Patrick (to George). The head of the house. Do 
ye hear what he called me? (To Humpy.) Don't you 
ever let Mary Anne hear you callin' me that. 

George. Eileen, he wants to know if you belong to 
the housemaid's union. (To Humpy.) Is that it? 

Eileen. This is the new janitor, just hired this morn- 
ing. I sent him to the cellar and I am sure I gave him the 
proper directions. 

Humpy. Huh ! I suppose I ain't good enough for 
the drawin' room. ( Walks c. ) Just because I works for 
me livin' I ain't 

Patrick (ffoing to Humpy and laying hand on his 
shoulder). Ye got the wrong idea, me man. Ye're just 
as good as I am and for all I know better, and if ye'U 
trot along Eileen will show you the work ye were hired 
to do. 

Humpy. But I want to know what you pay here. 

Patrick. Take him along, Eileen. He'll get all that's 
comin' to him. (They start out c. D.) There's a bottle 
of beer in the ice box that might taste good. See that 
he gets it, Eileen. (They exit.) Faith and with their 
unions and their bolsheviks and their jazz dances, the 
world's gettin' into a great state, ain't it? 

George (as though struck with an idea). Union! By 
Jiminey ! I think there is the answer to your problem. 
Union! Get together and teach them a lesson. Make 
them sick of their new-fangled ideas. Make them glad 
of the fact that their name is Casey. Make them 

Patrick. Did ye ketch it from the janitor? What 
on earth are ye talkin' about ? 

George. Is there any place we can talk without being 
overheard? I think I have a scheme that will settle the 
whole thing and solve your troubles as well as my own. 

Patrick (looking around). Whist, lad! I'll take ye 
out behind the garage. There's a nice quiet spot there 
between the ash barrel and the garbage can where no one 



24 TURNING THE TRICK 

ever goes. It's where I smoke me pipe when I don't 
want Mary Anne, I mean Marie Annette, to smell it. 

[They exit window. 

(Arm AND enters hallway. Has two large dress boxes 
which he places on floor just inside the door. Then 
sits table r. Waits awhile, looking right and left. 
Then taps fingers on table. Becomes very impa- 
tient. Takes small mirror from pocket and arranges 
his hair, moustache, etc. Finally gets up and looks 
out c. D. Comes front and sits as Eileen enters r.) 

Eileen. Miss Casey said to tell you she would be 
here in a moment. 

Armand. In a moment, ees eet? Zey kip me, ze great 
Armand Francois Boni Aime De Lovier waiting, while 
zey feex ze hair or powdair ze nose or paint ze cheek. 

Eileen. I am sure Miss Casey will be very sorry. 

Armand. And so she should. {Looks at watch.) 
Ah, ha! I lose of ze minutes, four. And for why? Be- 
cause she feex ze hair and powdair ze nose and paint 
ze cheek. Bah ! 

Eileen {smiling). I am quite sure she will not keep 
you waiting much longer. {Picks up one of the boxes.) 

Armand {rushing to her). No, no. Mademoiselle. Eet 
is no work for ze ladee or for one so sharming or has so 
much of — of — what you call heem? — Oh, yes, ze grace. 
Pairmeet me. {Takes Box.) You are ze maid of 
Madam? 

Eileen. Yes, Monsieur. 

(Kathleen and Anna enter r.) 

Armand. Parlez vous Frangais ? 

Eileen. No, not that kind. I'm of the Erin Go 
Bragh variety. 

Armand. Ah, Mademoiselle, I take you for ze French, 
you look so chic, so 

Kathleen. You may leave the room, Eileen. 
(Eileen exits c. d.) Did you bring the dresses, Mon- 
sieur? 



TURNING THE TRICK 2$ 

Armand. Oui, oui, I have bringed them and oh, 
Mademoiselle ! Zey are creations for — for, — what you 
call heem? Oh, yes, ze fairee. Wait, I show. (Opens 
box and takes out ball gown.) Ees eet not beautiful? 
Ees it not ? No ? 

Kathleen. Oh, it's wonderful. Isn't it, Madam 
Bairski ? 

Anna (looking at it very carelessly). Yes, it's pretty, 
but the price of it would no doubt keep a poor family 
for a month.. Buy shoes, bread 

Armand. Bread ! Bread ! You mention ze bread in 
ze same breath with my gown ? My wonderful creation ? 
Ah, Mon Dieu, Mon Dieu! Eet ees sacralege. (Puts 
dress in box. ) I shall not stay. You have my art insult. 
I should have known bettair. When ze Mademoiselle 
make me wait while she feex ze hair and powdair ze 
nose and paint ze cheek, how can I expect she or her 
friends will appreciate my beautiful gown. 

Kathleen. Oh, come, Mons. De Lovier, we shall 
hunt up mother and I will try the gown on. Oh, I know 
I shall love it. I think it is wonderful. Are you coming. 
Madam, I mean Comrade Anna. 

Anna. No, thank you, I shall remain here. 



(Sits L. until Kathleen and Armand leave, 
makes a hurried search of the room, table, drawers, 
etc. Hears Michael r. and hurriedly sits l. as he 
enters.) 

Michael (entering r.). Where's Kathleen? She 
rushed off like a house afire. What's up ? 

Anna. A new dress, I understand. She and the 
modiste just went to search for your mother. And now, 
Comrade Michael, we will finish our discussion. When 
the capitalistic rich have gained the control of the essen- 
tials of this world to the extent that they have, and are 
eating the very heart from the great laboring class 

Michael (who has been fidgeting trying to think of an 
excuse to get away). If you will excuse me. Miss Bair- 
ski, I mean Comrade Anna, you will greatly oblige me. 
(Is backing toward window.) You see I just thought of 



26 TURNING THE TRICK 

something I must see my father about and — and — I know 
you won't mind. _ ^ ^ [Exits window. 

Anna (zuatches Michael exit, smiling, then goes to 
'phone and calls). Van Courtland, 1617. {Looks 
around room.) Frank? Anna. How about the — ah — 
assistant. — Is here? How will I know him? Hump- 
backed? — All right, but what was wrong with Jimmy 
Smith or Young Wallace ? {Hvmvy enters c. t>.) I shall 
do nothing of the sort. My soul, heart, time — every- 
thing I have, is dedicated to the cause of the working- 
man. Good-afternoon. {Hangs up receiver.) I am 
Madam Bairski. You are 

Humpy. Yes, I'm it. Some dump, ain't it? We 
ought to make a good haul here. 

Anna. Shut up! You fool! How did you get in 
here? 

Humpy. They was expectin' a new janitor and when 
I came around they took me for it and here I am. 

Anna. Janitor, eh? Well, act like one. Let me 
do the talking. Did Frank tell you what I wanted? 

Humpy. Only that I was to git five hundred plunks 
for the job. What is it? Crackin' a safe? 

Anna. It's a lot bigger than cracking a safe. There's 
about thirty thousand dollars' worth of diamonds in this 
house. I don't know just where, but they are here. So 
keep your eyes open. We have to find them and move 
quick, understand, quick. Make the rounds of the house 
and keep your eye on everything. 

Humpy. Yeh, I started to do that. Bumped into the 
old guy in this room a little while ago and ' 

Enter Maggie c. d. 

Anna. I am sure, my good man, you are in the 
wrong place. I think the furnace is usually kept in the 
cellar, not in the living-room. 

Humpy. Thanky, mam, but I thought as how there 
might be some pipes In this room, maybe something to 
the heatin' apparatus as needed attention. [Exits c. d. 

Maggie. I am Kathleen's sister. I presume you are 
Madam Bairski. 



TURNING THE TRICK 2/ 

Anna. Comrade Anna, if you please. 

Maggie. I don't understand you. 

Anna. No? Well, the old order is passing. Mister, 
Missus and Miss, like Your Highness, Your Lordship 
and Your Majesty, are a little out of date in this age". 
The era of good fellowship is here. I am as good as you. 
You are as good as me. We are both as good as any one 
else. The world will soon be run by the League of 
Brotherly Love. I am your comrade. You are mine. 
Why not address each other as such ? 

Maggie. Oh, I see. 

Anna. The day of the rich and the ruling class is 
passing. Soon the workers will have their opportunity. 
They will rule the world. They 

Maggie. According to your ideas then, my father, 
simply because he is rich, will be thrown in the discard 
when this era of good fellowship arrives. 

Anna. The w^orld has no use for the rich. 

Maggie. Why then are you, the exponent of this 
wonderful doctrine that is to revolutionize the world, 
visiting in the home of the rich ? Oh, I beg your pardon. 
You are a guest here and should be treated with courtesy. 
I — I allowed my feelings to run away with my good 
manners. Have you seen Kathleen? 

Anna. I believe she is trying on a gown which the 
modiste has just brought. 

{Goes to window and looks out.) 

Maggie {smiling). Her favorite pastime. I may as 
well go and see her dress. Will you go with me ? 
Anna. In a moment. 

(Maggie exits stairs. Anna hides behind window 
curtain as Michael enters window.) 

Michael {at 'phone). Murray Hill, 234. — Yes, yes, 
hurry. — Hello ! I must speak to Linton. — But why isn't 
he here? 

(Patrick and George appear at window talking. 
Michael mutters under his breath and starts center 
door as Anna exits window.) 



28 TURNING THE TRICK 

Patrick. Wait a minute, Mike. 

Michael. Don't call me Mike ! 

Patrick. I'll be after callin' ye something ye'U like 
less than Mike in a minute. Come over here and sit 
down. (Patrick sits couch.) 

Michael. What do you want ? 

Patrick. Come here and I'll tell ye. 

Michael (nodding toward George). Is it necessary 
that he be here ? 

George (still at window). You can call me when you 
want me, Mr. Casey. [Exits window. 

Patrick. Now come here and sit down and no 
monkey shines. (Michael sits beside father sulkily.) 
What ails ye, me boy? (Anxiously.) Don't think yer 
old father's not noticed there's something on yer mind 
for the past couple of weeks. What's the matter, lad? 

Michael. I asked you last month for more money. 
I can't get along on what you are giving me. 

Patrick. Now, we won't talk about that at all. 
That's settled. 

Michael. All right. (Rising.) You want to know 
what's wrong and when I tell you, you decline to listen 
to me. 

Patrick. Lad, when I was your age I didn't have 
thirty dollars a year to spend for pleasure, let alone three 
hundred dollars a month. 

Michael (zvalking r.). Oh, that's all I hear from 
you. " When I was your age " or " when I was young." 
Times have changed in the past thirty years. I must up- 
hold my position. 

Patrick. At the expense of your old father. (Fol- 
lows Michael.) Do you think I enjoyed workin' like a 
horse carryin' the hod tryin' to make a little money so I 
could spend me last days in peace, to have you and your 
mother and sister spend it like a bunch of millionaires? 
It won't last forever, me boy. 

Michael. Yes, it's the same old story with you. You 
are always talking about it not lasting, just as though 
you haven't plenty. And I do wish you would quit talk- 
ing about when you carried the hod. You never mention 



TURNING THE TRICK 29 

that you were one of the most successful contractors in 
New York before you retired. It's always " when I 
carried the hod." You seem to glory in it. 

Patrick. I do. Why shouldn't I? It ain't every 
man could start in life carryin' a (stops and looks at 
Michael) load of bricks up and down a ladder and be 
worth a million before he was sixty. And now tell your 
old father what's worryin' you. (Lays his hand on 
Michael's shoidder, which is impatiently shook off. 
Patrick looks hurt.) All right, me boy, if ye won't tell 
me, I can't make ye. Ye've not been playin' cards again, 
have ye? 

Michael. And if I have, is it any business of yours? 

[Exits c. D. 

Patrick (shakes head a moment and then starts 
toward center as Mons. De Lovier comes hurriedly 
down-stairs, carrying boxes in such a manner that he 
cannot see where he is going. Bumps into Patrick and 
drops boxes). Well, can't ye watch where ye're goin'? 

Armand. Watch where I am to go, ees eet? Such 
impudence. Such affronts as I have receive in thees 
house. Do you know who I am? Yes? No? Me, I 
am ze great Armand Francois Boni Aime De Lovier. 
Ze greatest modiste in America. 

Patrick. Oh, ho ! So ye're the man dressmaker, are 
ye? 

Armand. Dressmaker? Dressmaker? Me he calls a 
dressmaker? Oh, Mon Dieu, Mon Dieu ! Such an in- 
sult. Monsieur, you have me insult. You have my art 
insult. You have me ze great affront give. But what 
can I expect where ze ladee she make me wait while she 
feex ze hair and powdair ze nose and paint ze cheek. 
(Snaps fingers under Patrick's nose.) Zat for you! 

(Gathers up boxes and places them near hallway, tak- 
ing one of the boxes preparatory to going upstairs.) 

Patrick. Well, what are ye, if ye ain't the dress- 
maker ? 

Armand. Ze dressmaker ! I ! Eet ees to laugh ! As 
you Americans say, For ze love of ze Michael, what ees 



30 



TURNING THE TRICK 



ze use? {Taps head.) I sink zere is nobody in ze resi- 
dence. [Exits stairs. 

Patrick. Faith and I think he's a nut. {Goes to 
windozv and calls.) Come on now, George, me boy. 
(George enters window.) Now we can get together and 
work out the details of our scheme. I think it is a grand 
one. {They sit couch.) 

George. It sure is. All that is necessary is to give 
them all the bolshevism and socialism and all the other 
isms they want. Rub it in on them. Make them sick 
of it. Adopt the free love plan and all the other plans 
they are so crazy about. It's bound to work out. This 
thing is simply a fad with them. They'll get over it if 
they're fed up on it. Take Kathleen ; she's bugs on this 
interpretative dancing. You take it up. 

Patrick. What? . Can you imagine me doin' one of 
them wigglin' dances with nothin' on but me suspenders 
and me shoestrings? 

George. Mrs. Casey is interested in poodle dogs. Buy 
a kennel. Have them in every room. She is also ad- 
vocating free love. Divorce her. 

Patrick {shocked). What! Me divorce Mary Anne? 

George. Just until you turn the trick. Just to bring 
her to her senses. She'll soon come across. Now go to 
it. I'll be right here on the job to back you up. 

(Eileen enters from hallway with card which she 
gives to Patrick.) 

Patrick. Jim Dougherty, eh! What the divil's he 
after? Send him up. {'Ei\JE^i<i exits hallzv ay.) He's the 
son of me ould friend Mike Dougherty. Me boy Mike's 
named after him. Jim's workin' for Uncle Sam; in the 
Treasury Department, in some sort of special investi- 
gatin' work, whatever the devil that is. Started in as a 
stenographer but got switched on this work and he's 
made good. He's smart as a whip. Ye'll like him. 

Jim {enters hallway). How's my old friend, Mr. 
Casey, to-day? {They shake hands.) 

Patrick. Fine ! Fine ! Take a seat. YeVe a sight 
for sore eyes, Jimmy me lad. I ain't seen ye for the Lord 
knows how long. 



TURNING THE TRICK 3I 

Jim (sits L.). You wouldn't see me to-day only that I 
have some business I must talk over with you. 

Patrick. Fire ahead. (Jim nods toward George.) 
Meet me friend, Mr. Drake. 

Jim. Very glad to meet you, Mr. Drake. (They 
shake hands.) This is rather personal business, Mr. 
Casey. (George starts c. d.) 

Patrick. Ye can speak before George. He expects 
to marry me daughter Kathleen. Come back and sit 
down, George. 

(Patrick and George sit couch, Jim, l.) 

Jim. All right then, Mr. Casey, I'll go right to it. To 
make it short: there's a gang of men, headed by Jack 
Linton, as slick a rogue as there is in New York, smug- 
gling diamonds into the United States, and there is some- 
body in this house handling the diamonds for them. 

Patrick. Go on, man, ye're crazy. 

Jim. No, I'm not. W-e've been trying to get our 
hands on the whole gang, so we've left this man go a 
couple of times, thinking he would lead us to the gang's 
hangout. We've traced him right to your house three 
times. Last week we were sure we had him. We had 
one of our best men on the case and we followed the 
man from the boat to right in front of your house when 
presto, he vanished. 

Patrick. But that don't say annything. It's a public 
street. A man could disappear into anny one of a dozen 
places. 

Jim. The same thing happened about an hour ago. 
The man jumped from a taxi, made for this house and 
disappeared in or around it. I saw this myself. We've 
never had a good look at the party but judge him to be 
about twenty-five or so. Now, I know you, Mr. Casey, 
and have no doubts about your family, but thought it 
might be some of the servants or possibly a visitor. 
Have you any visitors at present ? 

Patrick. No one. Wait a minute though. I forgot 
that bolshevik hootenanny Kathleen's brought in. 

Jim. Who's she ? When and where did your daughter 
meet her? 



3^ 



TURNING THE TRICK 



Patrick. The Lord knows, I don't. I think it was 
some women's club or other. They're always gettin' into 
some kind of devilment in them. 

Jim. What do you know about her ? 

Patrick. Divil a bit, only that she's some kind of a 
haythen that don't believe in gettin' married and a few 
other fool notions like that. 

Jim. ril size her up later. {Going to window.) Vm 
sure my man is in or around this house, for he hasn't had 
a chance to get out, as I have the place surrounded with 
policemen. 

Patrick. I don't like that, Jim Dougherty. 

(Rising; George goes R.) 

Jim. Now don't get excited, Mr. Casey. They are 
plain clothes men and no one knows about them nor do 
I want them to. We profited by our experience of last 
week and were prepared for the gentleman when he 
started out this way to-day. There's no doubt about it; 
he's here or around here. The only thing is to get him. 
Now how many people are there in the house? That is, 
that you know of. 

Patrick (counting on fingers). There's me and Mary 
Anne, that's two, and Mike, he's three, and Maggie, she's 
four, and Eileen, she's the maid, and a mighty fine girl 
at that. I wish Mike would marry a girl like that. She 
makes five. Maybe if his mind wasn't so taken up with 
tryin' to pay his poker debts, he would. And me daughter 
Kathleen, she's six, and the haythen woman, she's seven, 
and, let me see. Who else? 

George. The new janitor. 

(Walks over toward Patrick and Jim.) 

Jim. New janitor? Where did he come from? 

Patrick. How should I know? 

Jim. When did he come? 

Patrick. Don't ask me that either. Mary Anne 
handles all that kind of stuff. (Counting.) The janitor's 
eight. (Pointing to George.) Ye're nine, and the he- 
dressmaker's tin and that's all. 



TURNING THE TRICK 33 

Jim. Um-hmii. We can leave the family out. Who 
is the " he-dressmaker? " 

Patrick. Some fool Frinchman. What is his name? 

(Studies.) 

George. You can leave him out too. He's De Lovier. 
You've heard of him. 

Jim. Oh, yes, that one. Nothing doing there. How 
about the servants ? 

Patrick. There's the naygur cook and the up-stairs 
girl and the gardener and the laundress. All Irish but 
the naygur and his name's Kelly. 

Jim (studying a moment). They wouldn't count. 
This is the job of someone with brains. I can't rush 
things for I have absolutely no evidence. But I sure 
want to land that bird, li I only had someone on the 
inside to keep their eyes on things generally. Who could 
I get? 

Patrick. Who saw you come up? 

Jim. No one but the maid. 

Patrick. You've never met Mary Anne, have you? 

Jim. No. 

Patrick. Nor anyone else in the family ? 

Jim. I met your son once a long time ago, but he 
would hardly remember me. Why? 

George (excitedly). I get you ! That's good. Bring 
him in as one of the new regime. 

Jim. What's on? What are you talking about? 

Patrick. Well, you see, it's like this, Jim. Me wife 
and me daughter Kathleen, to say nothin' of that fool 
boy Mike, Lord forgive me for ever namin' him after as 
fine a man as yer father, the whole bunch of them have 
the society bug and the noteriety bug and the bug for 
half a dozen other fool ideas, and George and me was just 
cookin' up a scheme to cure them when you stepped in 
on it. Now we're going to give each one of them a 
good, lippin' dose of their own medicine. 

George. We'll take each one of their fads and give 
it to them morning, noon and night, until they are sick 
of it. Mrs. Casey likes dogs. We'll keep them in every 



34 TURNING THE TRICK 

room. She believes, or says she does, in free love. Mr. 
Casey is going to divorce her. (Jim looks surprised.) 
For a few days only. Kathleen has the dancing bug. 
Mr. Casey is going to take it up in its highest form. Now 
can't we fit you into this scheme some way so that you 
can be on the job and incidentally help us? 

Jim. Not so bad. {Studies a moment.) I might 
help out on the dancing end of it. I'm not much on the 
interpretative stuff, but I'm there on all the other varie- 
ties. 

George. Just the thing ! Come in as the new dancing 
master. 

Patrick. But I just told Mary Anne to-day that no 
dacent Irishman ever was a dancin' master. 

Jim. Yes, and teaching dancing is a little different 
from just dancing. 

George. You can bluff your way all right. Come in 
as some blooming foreigner. If unnecessary questions 
are asked, plead your ignorance of the English language. 
Your name's Dougherty. Come in as Signor Do-her-ti. 
Put the accent on the second syllable and there you are, 
the great Italian artist. 

Patrick. I garry, that's good. That'll give me a 
chance to fire that dago that's been hangin' after Kath- 
leen. 

Jim. By George ! I believe it can be done. I'll have 
my chance to keep my eye on everything going on, for 
I am sure the man I am after is in this house. 

George. Sure. Now we'd better fix Eileen. 

(Starts c. D.) 

Patrick. Yes, and Maggie. She can keep her mouth 
shut. Put her next to it too. 

Jim. Are you sure they won't say anything? 

Patrick. Dead sure. Maggie's the daughter of her 
father and I'm so sure of the kind of a girl the other one 
is that I wish Mike would get some sense in his head 
and make her me daughter too. 

(George rings bell for Eileen.) 



TURNING THE TRICK 35 

Jim. ril have to get a little make-up of some kind. 
A moustache I suppose will be sufficient. 

George. That and an accent. 

Jim. I can handle the accent all right. Lord knows 
I hear enough different varieties of them. 

(Eileen enters c. d.) 

Patrick. Send me daughter Maggie here at once, 
Eileen, and be after comin' back yourself. (Eileen 
exits.) Aw, there's a jewel of a girl. If Mike only had 
some eyes in his head. 

(Voices heard upstairs. Jim hides outside window.) 

Arm AND {enters from stairs followed by Kathleen 
and Mary A.). Ah, Madame, you have ze — ze — what 
you call heem? — Ah, ze exquisite taste. You have take 
ze gown which is ze most beautiful, ze most gorgeous, 
and Mademoiselle will look, oh, in eet she will look di- 
vine. Eet ees ze one great triumph of ze peer of 
modistes. I, Armand Francois Boni Aime De Lovier, 
say so. Yes ? No ? 

Mary A. Oh, Kathleen, isn't his language wonderful ! 
Such beautiful thoughts, such refinement of expression. 

Kathleen. The ladies of New York are fortunate in 
having such a wonderful modiste as you, Monsieur. 

Armand (bowing). Mademoiselle is kind. She is 
sharming. She is ze queen of 

Patrick. When you get through with yer hippity- 
hoppin' and scrapin' and bo win' we would like to do a 
little more talkin' in here. 

Mary A. (looking at Patrick disdainfully). Come, 
Mons. De Lovier. We will go into the music room and 
finish our conversation undisturbed. (To Patrick.) 
Such rudeness ! Will you never be anything but a com- 
mon hod-carrier ? 

(Exits music room with head up. Kathleen and 
Armand follow her disdain f idly.) 

Patrick. And that's what I'm after hearin' every 
time I open me mouth. It's no wonder I'm gettin' old 



36 TURNING THE TRICK 

and {Looks around for Jim.) Where the divil did 

that man be after takin' himself? 

Jim {entering from window). Right here. I didn't 
want anyone to see me as yet. 

George. You were wise. {Ruhhing his hands.) I 
beheve this thing is going to work out fine ! 

Maggie {enters r., followed by Eileen). What do 
you want, Daddy? 

Patrick. Whist! {Tiptoes around stage, others^ 
amused by his actions.) It's careful ye want to be.' 
We're in the midst of a conspiracy. 

Maggie. What are you talking about ? 

Patrick. It's a smuggler we have in the house. 

{Motions for silence.) 

Maggie {takes him by the ear and leads him center). 
Now you stand right there and quit jiggling around so 
much. Perhaps then you can tell us what you have on 
your mind. 

Patrick. How can I be a-tellin' ye, when ye wdh't 
give me time? 

George. It's like this, Maggie, Mr. Dougherty here 
— have you met Mr. Dougherty ? 

Maggie. No, I haven't. 

(Mike appears at window as though going to enter. 
Notices people in the room and stops.) 

Patrick. Faith and ye know him as well as I do. 
He's the son of me old friend Mike Dougherty. The 
man I named Mike after. Ye've often heard me speak 
of him. 

Maggie. Hearing you speak of him and knowing him 
are two entirely different things. Daddy. {To Jim.) I 
am very glad to make your acquaintance, Mr. Dougherty. 

Jim {bowing). And I yours, Miss Casey. If you 
will allow me, perhaps I can explain a little quicker. I 
am from the U. S. Treasury Department. (Mike 
starts.) There is a gang of smugglers that has been 
running diamonds into the United States since the war 
and there is some one in this house handling them. He 



TURNING THE TRICK 



37 



meets the boat when it docks, get the diamonds and de- 
Uvers them to the party or parties for whom they are 
intended. I am trying to get that man. We traced him 
here to-day and lost him. I called to ask your father 
about the case, made the remark that I would like to be 
in the house where I could keep an eye on things gener- 
ally, and your father told me of a scheme he is going to 
try out which, by assisting him, will enable me to be in 
a position to nab my man — if I can locate him. 

(During this speech Eileen has been jiiuch disturbed.) 

Eileen. I — I think I had better go, Miss Maggie, 
I 

George. No, you are in on this too, Eileen. 

Patrick. To be sure, ye are. I told Jim I wanted 
Maggie and ye to know of it, for we could depend on 
your help. 

Eileen. Of course I will be glad to do anything that 
I can but I have my work to do, Mr. Casey, and — and — 
(starts R.) I really had better be going. 

Maggie. Nonsense ! Don't bother about your work, 
ril help you do it. If you are needed by Mr. Dougherty 
and Daddy your work can wait. 

Eileen. Very well. Miss Casey. (Steps back c. d.) 

Patrick. George and me was a-talkin' about Mary 
Anne and Kathleen and their fool ideas and we decided 
to teach them a lesson. Would ye believe it? Mary 
Anne was a-tellin' me, not twenty minutes ago, that she 
had a notion to divorce me and hunt up a more congenial 
soul mate. Could ye imagine it? I suppose she'd be 
takin' up with that fool Frinchman if she had half a 
chance. 

Maggie. Father, do get to the point. What have you 
in mind ? 

George. With your permission, Mr. Casey 

Patrick. Go ahead. I ain't makin' any headway at 
all, at all. 

George. You have no doubt noticed the way Kathleen 
has been treating me, Maggie. 

Maggie. Yes, I have. 



38 TURNING THE TRICK 

George. I came to talk things over with your father 
to-day to see what could be done about it and we cooked 
up a scheme to cure her with her own game. While we 
are at it we are going to include Mrs. Casey. 

Maggie. If you can stop mother from running after 
those awful poodle dogs I am with you. 

George. We are going to give your mother all the 
poodle dogs and free love she wants and we are going to 
give Kathleen all the bolshevism and brotherhood of man 
business and dancing and so on that she wants'. 

Maggie. But where do Eileen and I come in? 

George. We're coming to that. Mr. Dougherty is 
coming into the house as Signor Do-her-ti, our dancing 
master. Your father is taking up interpretative dancing. 

Patrick. And I want you and Eileen to know about 
it and help me out. 

Maggie. A fine idea, and I am with you. W^hat shall 
we do first ? 

George. Spring it on the rest of the family. Re- 
member, now, no matter what happens, you mustn't give 
the plot away until Mr. Dougherty gives the word. 

(Michael disappears from window.) 

Jim. It will be an opportunity not only of serving 
your private purpose but you will also be helping me 
land my man. 

Patrick {scratching his head). Faith and I'm half 
afraid to spring it on Mary Anne. She's liable to swat 
me one with a rollin' pin. I don't suppose she's out of 
practise. {Voices heard from music room.) Holy 
mother of Moses ! Here she comes. 

{Attempts to hide behind George.) 

^ Jim. I'll go. I'll be back, all dolled up, in a short 
time. In the meantime, be careful. [Exits window. 

Patrick. What'll I say? How'll I do it? 

George. Begin by divorcing her. Tell her you are 
going to pick a younger and prettier wife. Who could 
you get ? By Jove ! Take Eileen. 



TURNING THE TRICK 39 

Eileen. Oh, no, no ! Mr. Drake. I couldn't. Really, 
I couldn't. 

George. It's all in the game, Eileen. Be a sport and 
help us out. 

Patrick. Faith and I counted on your help, Eileen. 

Maggie. I'll back you up, Eileen. It won't be for 
long, I can tell you. Mother won't see anybody take her 
place if she can help it. 

Eileen. If you think it best. Miss Casey, I will. 

Arm AND {enters from music room, followed by Mary 
A., Kathleen and Michael). And I tell zem. Madam, 
zat of all ze ladies in New York, zere is none can match 
ze great Madam Marie Annette Casei, for her sharm, 
her tact, her wonderful — ah, what you call heem ? Her — 
her taste in ze clothes. Ah ! In zat. Madam, you are 
supreme. 

Mary A. Ah, Monsieur, I fear you flatter me. 

George (shoving Patrick forzvard). Now is your 
chance. Go to it. 

Patrick (pulling at George). Stick by me, me boy, 
stick by me. 

(Clears throat very loudly and attempts to speak sev- 
eral times. All look at him.) 

Kathleen. What is the matter now, father? 

Michael. Yes, get it off your chest. Governor, what- 
ever it is. 

Patrick (angrily). Governor, is it? And that's all 
the respect ye have for yer father. A nice family I 
got. Me wife runs around playin' nurse girl to a bunch 
of poodle dogs while I have to sew the buttons on me 
own under pants while you (to Kathleen) tell me I 
don't know what I'm talkin' about when I say a wornan 
has no sense that brings up the fool ideas that Russian 
thing-a-majig does. (To Michael.) And you, you give 
me nothing but sass and gab when I try to tell you you're 
wastin' your time runnin' around to all the pink teas and 
fool dances ye do and playin' poker to all hours of the' 
night. Well, I've stood it long enough. From now on, 
/ (taps self on chest) run this shebang. I'm boss, and 



40 TURNING THE TRICK 

the first thing I'm goin' to do is pick me a younger wife, 
an affinity, a soul mate, {looking at Mary Anne) one 
that really miderstands me. {To Eileen.) Come here, 
Eileen. {Puts arm around her as she goes to him.) 
Behold the future Mrs. Casey. 

Mary A. {screaming). Patrick! Have you gone 
crazy ? What are you going to do with me ? 

Patrick. With you ? Huh ! You can marry the 
dressmaker. 



CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE. — The same. Tuesday, 4 p. m. 

{Curtain rises with Patrick and Jim going through 
dance step. Patrick should be as awkward as pos- 
sible. Mary Anne standing at window looking on.) 

Jim {counting and shozving Patrick at the same 
time). One, two, three, hop; one, two, three, hop; one, 
two, three, hop. Now you try it. 

Patrick. One, two, three, hop ; one, two, three, hop ; 
one, two, three, hop. {Falls as he makes last step.) 

Mary A. Serves you right. There's no fool Hke an 
old fool. To think of a man of your age trying to learn 
to dance. 

Patrick. How about yourself? There's as much 
sense in me doin' this as there is in a woman of your age 
washin' poodle dogs' faces and tyin' curley-cues in their 
tails. {Rises.) 

Mary A. AH you have done for the past twenty-four 
hours is insult me. You might at least have a little 
respect for me. 

Patrick. Respect, is it ? A fine lot of respect ye show 
me ; takin' up with a he-dressmaker. . 

Mary A. Mons. De Lovier is a modiste. 

Patrick. He ain't. 

Mary A. Pie is. 

Patrick. He ain't. 

Mary A. He is. 

Patrick {raising arm). He ain't, I tell you. He's a 
he-dressmaker. 

Mary A. {looking up and seeing Patrick's arm 
raised). You're right, Patrick. He's a dressmaker. 

Patrick. Yes. That's what I said he was the first 
time. {To Jim.) I garry, somebody said to treat 'em 
rough and keep 'em guessin', and I believe he was right. 

41 



42 TURNING THE TRICK 

Jim (winks at Patrick). We willa now beginna de 
dance. One, two, three, hop. One 

Mary A. (putting hands over her ears). Oh, you will 
drive me crazy with that one, two, three, hop. It's all 
I have heard all day long. How long are you going to 
keep this up, Patrick ? 

Patrick. Until I'm ready to quit. One, two, three, 
hop. 

Mary A. Well, if you must make a fool of yourself 
this way, go ahead. But there's another thing I would 
like to ask you. How long are you going to flaunt that 
servant in my face? 

Patrick (contlmiing his dance). What servant? 

Mary A. You know quite well ; Eileen. 

Patrick. Be careful, Mary Anne, ye're speakin' of 
me affinity. 

Mary A. Your affinity! How dare you insult me 
like that. How dare you talk of an affinity ! How 
dare 

Patrick (putting up his hand). Wait a minute. Do 
you remember only yesterday when ye told me ye were 
thinkin' of divorcin' me and pickin' up a soul mate that 
understood ye better than I did? Do you remember it? 

Mary A. Yes, I do, but I didn't mean anything. I 
was just talking. 

Patrick. Oh, ye were, were ye? Well, I'm doin' the 
talkin' now and I mane this. I told ye some day ye 
would drive me too far and ye have. Ye seemed to have 
a good bit of fun out of your carryings on, you and 
Kathleen, now I'm tryin' it out to see how / like it. 

Mary A. Oh, you are a brute ! 

Patrick. Of course I am. I expected ye to think I 
was. A man's always a brute and no gintleman when he 
tries to teach a woman a lesson. Ye could walk all over 
rne and do as ye pleased ever since the day we were mar- 
ried but when I take the reins in me own hand, I'm a 
brute. All right, I am, but I'm enjoyin' meself and for 
the first time in twenty years. I can even smoke me pipe 
in me own house now. 

Arm AND (rushes in window with boxes, which he 



TURNING THE TRICK 43 

places on floor near window). Oh, zis is too much, too 
much. Yesterday I take heem as a joke, but to-day, eet 
is go too far. For why, Mons. Casei, for why you no 
permeet me, Armand Francois Boni Ainie De Lovier, ze 
world's greatest modiste, to leave zis house. For why ? 

Patrick. For why? Oh, just for instance, I guess. 

Armand {wildly). For eenstance, ees eet? I will no 
stand for eenstance. I to my business must go and at 
once. You hear me ? Ah, Mon Dieu, Mon Dieu ! Zat 
I, ze great Armand Francois Boni Aime De Lovier should 
have to undergo zis. But what can I expect in ze house 
where ze Madam make me wait while she feex ze hair 
and powdair ze nose and paint ze cheek. 

(Struts around stage excitedly.) 

Patrick. Now, Frenchy 

Armand. Frenchy, ees eet you call me ? Me, ze great 
Armand Francois Boni Aime De Lovier. Me you call 
ze Frenchy? 

Patrick. Ah, shut up yer face. If ye was a rale 
he-man ye wouldn't be runnin' around makin' dresses for 
a livin'. Ye'd be out doin' a rale man's job. Ye might 
even be carryin' — — 

Mary A. Patrick ! Don't you dare suggest that poor 
dear Mons. De Lovier might carry the hod. 

Armand (aghast). What! Me carry ze hod? Me, 
ze great Armand Francois Boni Aime De Lovier carry 
ze hod ? Ah ! Mon Dieu ! Eet is sacrilege. You have 
me insult. You have my art insult. You have on me 
indignities heaped. Very well. I cannot get out. I 
shall out in ze grounds go and call ze neighbors. I shall 
tell sem ze kind of a man Mons. Casei ees. You shall see. 

(Rushes out window.) 

Patrick (laughing). I garry, Frenchy is gettin' riled 
up. 

Mary A. You should be ashamed of yourself. He is 
an artist and should not be treated so roughly. The poor 
man's nerves must be on edge. (Armand heard scream- 
ing outside.) What is that? 



44 TURNING THE TRICK 

Jim (going to window). Ah, Signora, de modiste, he 
maka de bigga de hollo. 

Patrick (at zvindozv). We must go and stop him or 
one of the policemen will be bangin' him on the head and 
we don't want that. [Exits, follozved by Jim. 

Mary A. Let me go too. I can soothe his wounded 
spirits. [Exits windozv. 

Michael (enters c. d. Looks around stage then goes 
to 'phone). Murray Hill 234. — Yes, yes. Ring again. — 
There must be someone there. — Hello, hello. I want to 

speak to Linton. — Hello. This is Where's Linton ? 

— Out? My God, man, why hasn't he got in communi- 
cation with me? Where is he? — You don't know? — But 
if they are found here, I'm ruined. (Eileen enters hall- 
way and stops in doorway.) There's a police officer in 

the house and 

(Anna enters c. d.) 

Eileen (very loud). Mr. Casey, your father asked to 
see you at once. 

(Michael hangs up receiver. Anna glares at Eileen 
and exits c. d.) 

Michael. Did — did you hear what I said ? 

Eileen. Part of it. 

Michael. Did she? (Nods tozvard c. d.) 

Eileen. I don't think so. I called to you as soon as 
she came in. It was the first thing that came into my 
head and I wanted to warn you that she was listening. 

Michael. Thank you. (JJ^alks to back of stage and 
then comes forward.) Ah, Eileen, I'm in a devil of a 
hole and I don't know how to get out of it. (Sits l.) 

Eileen. Possibly I could help you a little, Mr. Casey, 
if you would care to trust me. 

Michael (after a short pause). I must have some- 
one to help me and it might as well be you. 

Eileen. I've noticed you've been in trouble for the 
past couple of months, Mr. Casey. 

Michael. You have ? Why should you bother your- 
self about my affairs? 

Eileen. Possibly I shouldn't, but I have a reason for 



TURNING THE TRICK. 45 

doing so and might be able to help you if you would only 
confide in me and trust me. 

Michael (rises; looks at Eileen a moment as though 
going to speak. Walks to back of stage; then comes 

front). Eileen, I (Throws himself on couch l. and 

hows head in hands. ) I can't, Eileen, I can't. 

Eileen (going to him). It's the diamonds, isn't it, Mr. 
Casey ? 

Michael (rising quickly). Hush, for God's sake! 
How did you guess that? 

Eileen. When the man called for the last lot of 
them, the ones previous to those you now have 

Michael. How do you know I have any now? 

Eileen. I saw you bring them in. When he was here 
the other time I happened to be in the library when you 
took him in there to turn the diamonds over to him and 
when you locked the door, of course I couldn't get out. 
So I remained quietly in the corner where I was and in- 
advertently overheard the whole thing. Oh, Mr. Casey, 
how did you get mixed up in such a game as this ? Don't 
you know it's — it's dishonest? 

Michael (wearily). Oh, we won't go into that now. 
I'm so sick and ashamed of the whole thing I can hardly 
look anybody in the face. To think that I should be act- 
ing as a go-between for a gang of diamond thieves. I 
almost hate myself. I had made up my mind that this 
would be the last time I would handle them. I thought 
with the money I would get I could straighten myself up 
and no one would be the wiser. And now to think that 
I have the diamonds and can't get rid of them. 

(Stands at window with hack to Eileen.) 

Eileen. Won't your father allow anybody out of the 
house ? 

Michael. Not a soul. Ever since Dougherty came 
in. 

Eileen. Dougherty ! Then you know ? 

Michael. Yes, I heard the plot. I was just outside 
the window as it was arranged yesterday. As soon as 
I knew what was up I attempted to go out but Dougherty 



46 TURNING THE TRICK 

already had the place surrounded with plain clothes men, 
and I knew if I forced my way out the diamonds would 
be either found on me or they would suspect something, 
so I thought I had better take my chances and hold them 
here. 

Eileen. But if someone should find them ? 

Michael. They won't. Under the table is about the 
last place they would look for them. Who's that Bairski 
woman, Eileen ? I believe she knows about the diamonds 
too. Oh, why did I ever get mixed up in a deal like this ? 

(Goes front and sits chair l.) 

Eileen. Now, don't worry, Mr. Casey, between the 
two of us we can get rid of them, I am sure. (Studies a 
moment.) If Madam Bairski wants them, let her have 
them. It might be a good way out of it. 

Michael. No, no, I must deliver them as I promised. 
If I don't Well, I must deliver them, that's all. 

Mary A. (enters from windozu). Oh, the poor dear 
man, I got him quieted. (Notices Eileen.) Michael! 
why are you associating with that — that person? 

Eileen (smiles and whispers to Michael). Don't 
worry. I'll help you. , [Exits R. 

Mary A. (sits table). Oh, Michael, Michael! Such 
goings on, such goings on. I do believe your father is 
losing his rnind. 

Michael. What's the matter now ? 

Mary A. He's learning to dance. Has his own danc- 
ing master and has been going around repeating One, 
Two, Three, Hop, until he has me almost frantic. And 
Michael, he's forbidden anybody to leave the grounds. 
Even Mons. De Lovier can't get out. There are men 
stationed all around the place. Poor Moonsier attempted 
to leave a few moments ago and there was a dreadful 
scene. Poor man ! I pity him so much. He is so deli- 
cately strung. And Michael, such rudeness and boorish- 
ness on the part of your father. Do you know, Michael, 
I shouldn't be surprised if Mons. De Lovier challenged 
Patrick to a duel. Now, wouldn't that be romantic? It 
would be sure to get our names in the paper. 



TURNING THE TRICK 47 

Michael. Mother ! Do you realize what you are say- 
ing? Father and I haven't been very — wt\\, very con- 
genial, but I don't see how you can mention that clown 
and father in the same breath. 

Mary A. {astounded). Why, Michael! I do believe 
you are standing up for him. And after the way he in- 
sulted me yesterday, too. Telling me that he would take 
that — that servant as his affinity. I'll tear her eyes out. 
I'll turn her out. I'll 

Michael. Mother, you should know that you can't 
turn father from a purpose he has in mind by contrary- 
ing him. I have found that out to my sorrow. Had I 
listened to him perhaps I wouldn't be in the fix I am in 
now. 

Mary A. I won't have him lording it over me. I 
won't stand for him taking that — that hussy for his 
affinity. I won't 

Patrick {at c. d.). You won't what? 

Mary A. None of your business. 

(Michael smiles, shrugs his shoulders and exits R.) 

Patrick. Oh, all right. 

{Sits table r., lights his pipe. Takes magazine from 
table and begins leafing over the pages. Wetting his 
thumb each time he turns a page. Mary Anne sits 
awhile Covertly watching him. Then begins to 
fidget.) 

Mary A. Well ! Say something. 

Patrick {without looking up). All right. "Some- 
thing." 

Mary A. {going to him). Oh, you, you {He 

pays no attention to her. She watches him a moment 
and then begins to sniffle.) I think it's mean to treat your 
little Mary Anne this way. Me that's worked and slaved 
for you for the past twenty-five years. {He still pays 
no attention to her.) Patrick! Patrick, I say! {He 
continues with magazine.) Oh, you monster, you viper. 



48 TURNING THE TRICK 

you brute! (Rushes to door r. a7td opens it and several 
dogs come put.) Where did these horrid dogs come 
from? {No answer.) Patrick! What does this mean? 
Patrick. Well, ye like to be a-spendin' of yer time 
playin* nurse girl to a bunch of curs, so I thought bein' 
as ye couldn't get to the dogs I would bring the dogs to ye. 

{Begins reading.) 

Mary A. {going l.). Oh, you, you 

Patrick. I say, Mary Anne. Now that Eileen's got 
your job we need a new maid. The job's after payin' 
twelve dollars a week. Do you think as how ye'd want 
it? 

Mary A. {shaking finger in his face). Want it? 
Want a job in my own house? Do you think for a min- 
ute I'm going to stand idly by and see that servant as- 
sume my place in this house ? Do you think you are going 
to get rid of me so easily as that? If you do you are 
mistaken. Let me tell you that, Paddy Casey, and don't 
you forget it. [Exits stairs. 

Patrick. Here, wait a minute. Take your little 
dears wifli ye. {Puts dogs out after her.) There ye go 
now, Clarissie. Come on now, Anistasia. Here, Flora- 
belle. 

{Has a name for each dog; as he puts last dog out 
George enters c. d.) 

George. Well, how goes it to-day? 

Patrick. Glory be to God ! I just had a conflab with 
Mary Anne and there's some hope for her, me lad. She's 
got her Irish up. 

George. No ! 

Patrick. Yes, and she's fightin' mad. And she called 
me Paddy. Faith and it made me feel good to hear the 
name once more. 

George {laughing and slapping Patrick on hack). 
You'll win. ^ Stick to it. 

Patrick. Oh, I'll stick it out all right. 



TURNING THE TRICK . 49 

Kathleen {enters from hallway, dressed for street). 
Father ! What is the meaning of this ? 

(George walks to window and stands with hack to 
room.) 

Patrick. The meanin' of what, me dear? 

Kathleen. I attempted to leave the house and was 
stopped at the gate by a man, who told me no one could 
leave without your permission. 

Patrick. Well, what of it? 

Kathleen {indignantly). What of it? Are we 
prisoners? What right have you to say when I shall or 
shall not leave the house? 

Patrick. I happen to be yer father, Kathleen, and a 
father's usually supposed to have a little say in his own 
household. 

Kathleen. My father ? Humph ! 

George {reproachfidly). Kathleen! 

Patrick. Oh, let her alone. I'm used to it. 'Tis 
nothin' new. The only ones around the place as ever 
thinks I'm worth passin' the time of day to is Eileen and 
Maggie. 

Kathleen. Eileen ! You should be ashamed to men- 
tion that name ! Do you think for a moment we will 
stand your carryings-on with that servant ? 

Patrick. Servant is it? Is that all ye have against 
her? 

Kathleen. Isn't that enough ? 

Patrick. Oh, I don't know. Yer mother was one. 

Kathleen. Please don't remind me of those days. 
I'm trying hard to forget them. 

Patrick. Of course ye are. That's what the trouble 
is with ye, the whole bunch of ye. Ye haven't time to 
attend to the duties the good God put ye into the world 
for, but ye have to take up this fool dancin' and bolshe- 
vism and 

Kathleen. Now, father, don't ! {Putting up hand. ) 

Patrick. Shut up ! I'm spakin' now. If ye got 
down on yer two knees and scrubbed the floor once in 
awhile and did yer washin' and ironin' and bakin* as ye 



50 . TURNING THE TRICK 

were intended to do, ye wouldn't have time for such 
shennanigans as ye're pullin' oif, ye and yer mother. 
It makes me mad, that it does, when I think of it. 
(Kathleen tosses her head.) Shut up! 

Kathleen. I didn't say anything. 

Patrick. Well, why didn't ye? Ye said ye believed 
in free love, but when I try it out, it ain't decent. Ye 
said ye didn't believe in marriage but when I try to put 
yer prachin' into practise ye all kick. 

Kathleen. I won't stay here to be insulted. 

Patrick. Trot along with ye. No one asked ye in 
and I ain't heard annyone ask ye to stay either. 

Kathleen. You should be ashamed of yourself, a 
man as old as you are 

George. Kathleen ! 

Kathleen {glaring at George). This is your doings, 
I know it. 

George. What makes you think I am back of it ? 

Kathleen. Because father wouldn't have brains 
enough to think of anything like it. [Exits stairs. 

Patrick (looking after her). Wow! 'Twas a hard 
woUop she handed me. 

George. I suppose my goose is cooked with her for 
sure now. 

Patrick. Aw, buck up, me boy. Ye're havin' v/on- 
derful luck with her. 

George. Wonderful luck ! I don't see how you make 
that out. 

Patrick. Whenever ye get a woman mad at ye, she's 
beginnin' to take an interest in ye. I know. 

Michael {entering r.). Father, I would like to ask a 
favor of you, if I may. 

Patrick. Ye may. Spake up. 

Michael. I simply must go down town and 

Patrick. Ye simply m^lst do nothin' of the kind. 

Michael {pleading). But father, it's important. Very 
important. I — I — well, I can't explain, but it means so 
much to me, to all of us that I go. 

Patrick. Does it that now? I suppose Miss Hor- 
tense De Vanderbiit has been after callin' ye up on the 



TURNING THE TRICK 5 1 

'phone to have ye carry her little Chinese poodle Snook- 
ums to Miss Waldorf Astoria's reception. It's all as 
important as that, isn't it? 

Michael. Please don't joke about it, father. I must 
go, I tell you I simply must. 

Patrick (going to him). Look here, lad. Look yer 
father in the eye. (Michael looks at his father a mo- 
ment and then drops his head.) I thought so. It's 
something ye're ashamed of. 

Michael. , No, no, father 

Patrick. Ye're lyin' and I know it. It's ashamed I 
am that I have to say it to me own sofi at that. Ye're 
not goin' out. 

Michael. Please, father. 

Patrick. Ye're not goin' out ! Do ye understand it ? 

Michael. Yes, I understand, but you will be sorry. 
Dad, and possibly before the day's out. [Exits r. 

Patrick (speaking to George who has been standing 
at window during previous conversation). George, me 
boy, there goes what I thought was goin' to be me pride 
and joy and he's turned out to be a liar and a — a — faith 
I don't know the word for a general good-for-nothing. 

Jim (enters window talking to Armand). Ah, you 
makka de bigga meestake, Mons. De Lovier. To Italia 
belongs the bigga distinch, the bigga honor of being the 
mistress of arts, not to La Belle France. 

Armand. Non, non. Monsieur. You are ze one zat 
make ze mistake. Ze Frenchman is ze greatest artiste in 
ze world. Look at me. Am I not ze world's greatest 
modiste? And I am ze French. 

Jim. Admitted, Signor, still I say you makka de 
bigga mistake. 

Armand. Non, non. 

Jim. Si, si, Signor. 

Armand. And I say non, non. La Belle France est 
la source des beaux arts. 

(The following conversation should be spoken very 
fast, each gesticulating violently.) 

Jim. Voi Sbagliate. Voi intendente I'ltalia. 



52 TURNING THE TRICK. 

Armand. Non, non, J'ai dit la France. 
Jim. Voi siete uno sciocco. 
Armand. Et vous aussi! 

(T^ie two following speeches should he spoken to- 
gether. The one in French, the other in Italian — 
very rapidly.) 

Armand. Fou ! Stupide ! Inbecile ! N'avez vous 
pas des verveaux. Ne savez vous pas ce que la France a 
accomplit pour le monde? En musique, les beaux arts, 
rhistorie, Tarchitecture, elle est supreme. Et tu veux me 
dire qu'elle est surpasse par Tltalie ? Bah ! 

Jim. Idiota ! Stupido ! Imbecille ! Dove avete il 
cervello voi? Non comprendete voi quello che la Italia 
ha fatto per il mondo? Nella musica, nella arti, nella 
storia, nella architettura, esse e' suprema. E voi — tentate 
di dirmo che essa e' superata dall' Francia ? Bah ! 

Armand. Sacre ! You are ze one beeg fool! 

(Rushes out c. d.) 

Jim (looks after him and laughs). I think I beat him 
out that time. 

Patrick. And what was ye after tellin* him? And 
what was he sayin'? 

Jim. Don't ask me. I couldn't understand French 
and my Italian is not very classic as I have picked it up 
around the police courts, so I think it was about a stand 
off. After we got him quieted down and you had left I 
engaged him in a conversation which drifted from one 
thing to another until finally we began disputing as to the 
relative standing of France and Italy in the eyes of the 
world. That's what all that pawing (makes motions with 
his arms as mode during the conversation in Italian) was 
about. I did get out of my talk with him though that 
he knows nothing about this diamond business. Have 
you learned anything? 

Patrick. I've learned Mary Anne's got her Irish up. 

George. And I've learned that I've probably put my- 
self in Dutch with Kathleen. 



TURNING THE TRICK. 53 

Jim. No, no. I mean have you learned anything 
about the diamonds, about the man I'm after? 

Patrick. I thought that was your job. 

Jim. It is, but I'm looking for all the help I can get. 
You expect me to help you out and it's no more than 
fair that you do the same for me. 

Maggie {at zvindow). Come here, everybody. (Point- 
ing R. ) What do you see down there ? 

Patrick. It's the Bairski woman talkin' to a man. 

Jim. Who's the man? 

George. The new janitor. 

Maggie. That's the second time to-day I have caught 
them talking. I also caught them together yesterday. 

Jim (as they all enter room). I've never got a good 
look at Madam Bairski. Where did you say your daugh- 
ter met her? 

Patrick. I don't think I said, but I believe it was 
some woman's club or some place like that. 

Jim. Um-hum. I wonder if she could be connected 
with the diamond business in any way. 

Patrick. I thought you said it was a man you are 
after. 

Jim. It is, but she may be in on the game also. I 
think I will keep my eye on the lady. (Goes to window.) 
They're coming toward the house. Perhaps she is bring- 
ing him here. If we go in the music room and let them 
alone together, we might listen and learn something. 

(They all exit hurriedly into music room.) 

Anna (at window). Just a moment. (Enters and 
looks around.) Come in; there's no one here. 

Humpy (at window). Ain't it risky for me to be 
caught talkin' to you in the drawin'-room ? They put me 
out yesterday. 

Anna. -. If I'm caught I'll pass it ofi as my Interest in 
the working man. You know I'm supposed to be a 
bolshevik and it's safer to have you here than for me to 
go to the servants' quarters. 

Humpy (entering). Well, what do you want? 

(Down R. by table; Anna, l.) 



54 TURNING THE TRICK 

Anna. As I tried to tell you before, there's about 
thirty thousand dollars' worth of diamonds in this house. 
' Humpy. Family jewels? 

Anna. No, smuggled. 

Humpy. Smuggled? How did they git here? 

Anna. Ever hear of Jack Linton's gang? 

Humpy. The big man when it comes to handlin' 
sparklers? I should say yes. 

Anna. Well, he's having them shipped in here whole- 
sale since the war. Young Casey meets the boat 

Humpy. Young Casey? The old man's son? 

Anna. Yes. Don't interrupt so much. As I say, he 
meets the boat, gets the diamonds and gets them here 
where Linton comes after them. 

Humpy. How does he get them past the customs 
officers ? 

Anna. Never mind how he does it. He does it, that's 
all. Now the Malvernia docked yesterday and I know 
he has the bunch that came in on it. 

Humpy. But why should he 

Anna. Oh, Linton's paying him well for his work. 
Who would suspect a millionaire's son of being a party 
to smuggling diamonds ? The old man's a tight wad and 
young Casey needs the money to straighten up his poker 
debts. I got the ins of things in general in this house 
from that empty headed sister of his. Now the chances 
are ten to one the diamonds are hidden in this room 
somewhere, because here is w^here Linton would naturally 
come and Casey would have them handy. He wouldn't 
have them on him, for if he was caught it would be a 
dead give away. I heard him at the 'phone a little while 
ago and thought I might get next, but the maid tipped him 
off that I was listening. 

Humpy. Why should she tip him off? 

Anna. Because she's in love with him, the little fool. 
Now here's my plan. I must get those diamonds to-night. 

Humpy. Suppose Linton gets here first. 

Anna. He won't. Since the old man has started in 
to reform the household he insists that everyone go to 
bed at nine o'clock. We'll allow three hours and by that 



TURNING THE TRICK 55 

time everybody ought to be asleep. I want you to be in 
the hall there (points) at twelve o'clock sharp. Stay on 
watch while I go over the room. If the diamonds are 
here, I'll find them. When I'm through your five hun- 
dred dollars will be waiting on you. Now take a good 
look at the room before you leave so you won't make any 
noise in the dark, in case you do have to come in. 

Humpy (looking around carefully). I've got it. I'll 
be here. [Exits window. 

Jim (enter,s from music room). Good-afternoon, 
Signorina. 

Anna. Good-afternoon, Comrade — what is your first 
name ? 

Jim. The Americana man he calla me James, Signo- 
rina. 

Anna. Good-afternoon, Comrade James. We bolshe- 
viks always use the first name. We have no use for the 
other. 

Jim. The Signorina is a bolshevika ? 

Anna. Yes. 

Jim. Is it a gooda de job to makka de mon? 

Anna (smiling). We have no use for money. 

Jim. Ah, ha ! You are what de Americana man 
calla de sponge. 

Anna. What do you mean? 

Jim. You no needa de mon. You sponga oflfa de 
friend. 

Anna. Sir ! How dare you. You evidently forget I 
am a guest in this house. I shall acquaint Comrade 
Patrick that you have insulted me. [Exits window. 

Jim (looking after her). A pretty slick game. 

Enter Patrick, Maggie and George, r. 

Patrick. Did ye find out anything? 

Jim. I found out that you are entertaining one of the 
slickest crooks in New York. 

Patrick (staggered). Wh-wh-what's that? 

Jim. You are privileged to have as your guest, Slip- 
pery Anne Logan, a thief with a record from here to 
Seattle. 



56 TURNING THE TRICK 



Patrick. Well Fll be 
Maggie. Daddy ! 



Patrick. I mane it. Here's Kathleen, me own 
daughter, runnin' around with a thief. A thief ! Would 
ye get that now ? Fll — I'll call up the police. Til put her 
out of the house. I'll 

Jim. Lay low and let me handle it. That's what I'm 
here for. If you sit tight and keep your mouth shut I 
can easily put her where she belongs. Mr. Drake, you 
and Mr. Casey go for a stroll in the grounds. You will 
probably run into Anne. Talk and act as though you 
knew nothing. She will say I have insulted her and 
when she does, Mr. Casey, side in with her, and leave the 
rest to me. Now run along, I want to have a talk with 
Miss Casey. 

(Patrick and George exit windozir.) 

Maggie. You have heard something else, Mr. Dough- 
erty. Something you didn't tell Daddy and George. 

Jim. Yes, I have. I have learned the party I am 
after is still in this house, but I couldn't get his name. 

Maggie. Who on earth could it be ? 

Jim. That's what I am trying to figure out, and I 
thought possibly you could help me. Is there anyone in 
the house your maid Eileen is interested in ? 

Maggie. Not that I know of. Why ? 

Jim. Anne said that the maid tipped the man I am 
after off to something, I couldn't just catch what, be- 
cause she was in love with him. 

Maggie. Eileen ! Surely you are mistaken. She as- 
sociates with none of the servants. Why, Daddy thinks 
as much of her as he does of me, almost. He is always 
saying if Mike has any eyes in his head he would marry 
her. 

Jim (struck with idea). Good Lord! Why didn't I 
think of it before! 

Maggie. What ? What have you in mind now ? 

Jim. Does your brother pay any particular attention 
to Eileen ? 

Maggie. No. She seems to think a lot of him and I 



TURNING THE TRICK 57 

believe he likes her, but he — well, Mike has some very 

foolish ideas about caste and {Looks at Jim 

startled.) Surely you can't think Mike is the man you 
are after. 

Jim. He owes a lot of poker debts, as I heard your 
father say, yesterday, and I heard Anne tell the janitor 
something about poker debts. 

Maggie. But it couldn't be Mike. Please don't say 
it's Mike. 

Jim. I'm mighty sorry. Miss Casey, but it looks like it. 

Maggie. Surely you are mistaken. It will break 
Daddy's heart if you are right. He is always scolding 
Mike for his dilly-dallying, as he says, but he's the apple 
of his eye, nevertheless. Oh, you must be mistaken. 

Jim. I knew it was a man but I never dreamed it 
could be your brother. 

Maggie. What can we do to get him out of it? 

Jim. I'm afraid 

Maggie. Don't say you can't help him. We must find 
some way out of it. How long has he been at it? 

Jim. I don't know, but I do know this isn't the first 
time. 

Maggie. Couldn't we get the diamonds from him? 
Prevent him from turning them over to this gang? 

Jim. Even if tve did, this is not the first lot he has 
handled for the gang. 

Maggie. How do you know that? 

Jim. We know it has been going on for the past three 
months. I myself have chased him three times, but he 
has always got away from me. 

Maggie. Thank God ! Couldn't you be mistaken ? It 
might even be George Drake. 

Jim. But why should he bring them here? I know 
how you feel about this, Miss Casey, and I hate to be in 
the position I am here. Your father is my father's friend 
and 

Maggie. Mike was named after your father. Oh, we 
must save Mike somehow. Can't you think of anything 
we can do? 

Jim. I would give anything in the world to save you 



5^ TURNING THE TRICK 

and your family from the suffering that is bound to come 
if our suspicions are correct, but I am a sworn officer of 
the law and what can I do ? How can I help out in this 
case? 

Maggie. But he is young. Why, Mike is only 
twenty-five and — and {Sits at table and sobs.) 

Jim (going to her). There, there. Miss Casey, we will 
try and find some way out of your trouble. You can 
depend on me doing anything I can. And possibly we 
are mistaken after all. All we have is the word of a 
thief. We will know for sure before long. 

Maggie (rising and drying eyes). Thank you, Jim. 
I mean Mr. Dougherty. 

Jim. I have been known as Jim a whole lot longer 
than I have as Mr. Dougherty — Maggie. 

Maggie (wiping her eyes and trying to smile). Have 
you — Jim? Maybe if — if we worked together we could 
find some way out of this tangle. 

Jim. That's the way to talk ! Suppose we go into the 
music room. There aren't so many people going in there. 
We can talk things over without being interrupted and 
besides I want to arrange a little scheme of my own to 
surprise " Comrade Anna " about twelve o'clock to-night. 

(They exit music room.) 

Kathleen (enters window followed by George). No, 
no, no ! I'll never speak to you again, George Drake, as 
long as I live. I know it is your doings that Daddy is 
carrying on like this. I knozsj you put him up to it. 
(Sits table r., tapping foot on floor, George stands near 
windozv, disturbed. Slight pause.) Well, why don't you 
say something? Don't stand there like a dolt, a ninny. 

George (coming forward). You just said you 
wouldn't speak to me again, so what's the use of me say- 
ing anything? 

Kathleen. Why did you put this nonsense into 
father's head? 

George. What nonsense? 

Kathleen. Don't plead ignorance, for I know you 
are responsible for us being locked in like this. I was 



TURNING THE TRICK 59 

never so indignant in my life. To think that I should 
go to the gate and be advised by some — some person, that 
I could not leave the grounds. Oh, it is too much. 

George. Look here, Kathleen. Just take your 
father's side of it. Look at it from his point of view 
for a change. 

Kathleen. His side of it? His point of view? He 
hasn't got one. All he thinks about is when he was a hod- 
carrier or in taking care of that old clay pipe he persists 
in smoking in front of everyone that comes into the 
house. I won't stand for it any longer, I tell you I 
won't. 

(Starts walking back and forth over stage, George 
following. ) 

George. Please, Kathleen, listen to reason. Your 
father 

Kathleen. My father ! My father ! He is the only 
one to be considered, is he ? I thought you cared for me, 
not my father. How about me? How about mother? 
We have tried and tried to make something of ourselves 
in the past ten years and what does he do ? Spoil it ! 
Spoil it all. Every time we invite guests into the house 
he persists in coming into the drawing room wearing that 
old smoking jacket and smoking that abominable clay pipe 
of his. He has disgraced us over and over again and I 
am about sick of it and I tell you I won't stand for it 
much longer. 

George. Disgraced you? Why, girlie, you don't know 
what disgrace is, if you call that disgrace. You should 
listen to reason. 

Kathleen. That's all I have listened to for the past 
three or four years and I am getting tired of it. Now 
let me tell you something, George Drake. I am going to 
get out of this house and to-day. 

George {smiling). How? 

Kathleen. It don't make any difference how. I am 
going to get out. (Starts R.) 

George. Don't, do anything foolish, Kathleen. Won't 
you listen to me ? 



6o TURNING THE TRICK 

Kathleen. No, I won't ! ' [Exits R. 

George (following her). But, Kathleen, you must. 

[Exits R. 

Enter Michael c. d., very cmdiously, and goes toward 
table R. as Maggie and Jim appear door r. Maggie 
motions Jim to go back, and she goes to table just 
as Michael kneels to reach under table. 

Maggie. Mike. 

Michael (jumping quickly). Well, what do you 
want? 

Maggie. Don't speak to me like that, Mike. I merely 
want to ask you a question. 

Michael. Don't ask me anything and don't spy on 
me either. 

Maggie. I wasn't spying on you, Mike. Why 
should I ? 

Michael. I don't know, but I want you to quit it. 
Do you understand? Quit it. And don't look at me 
like that. You would think I was a criminal or had done 
something I shouldn't. 

Maggie. Oh, Mike, don't ! If you would only tell 
me 

Michael (grabbing her hand). Tell you what? 
What do you mean ? Whom have you been talking to ? 

Maggie (struggling to free herself). To — to — why, to 
no one, Mike, but if you would only tell me what's been 
troubling you lately, I might be able to help you. 

Michael. I don't want your help. I don't want any- 
body's help. If you would only let me alone and not 
always be preaching to me, I would be better off. Any- 
way, I want you to quit spying on me, that's all. Quit 
spying on me. 

(Exits c. D. ; Maggie looks after him a moment and 
exits slowly to music room.) 

Arm AND (enters cautiously from windozv and goes to 
'phone. Patrick enters just behind him and stands in 
window). Geeve me Broadway seex four and ze one. — 



TURNING THE TRICK 6l 

I said geeve me Broadway seex four and ze one. — No, 
no, no. Not seex four feefty one. Seex four and ze 
one. — No, no, I do not want ze poor feesh. Eef I buy 
ze feesh I buy ze fat one. Ha! Ha! Zat is good, ees 

, eet not ? — I said geeve me I said geeve me 

Oh, ho ! You call me ze poor feesh ees eet? Me, ze great 
Armand Francois Boni Aime De Lovier, you, ze telephone 
center, call ze poor feesh. Oh, Mon Dieu, Mon Dieu! 
Now listen, center. I want you to geev me Broadway 

seex four and ze Put on ze night cap, ze brain is 

asleep ! Oh,' ze insult. Ze freshness ! Center, you are 

ze pug-nosed, freckle faced She hang up ! She 

hang up on me, ze great Armand Francois Boni Aime 
De Lovier. I shall report her to ze management. I 
shall 

Patrick {coming forward and taking 'phone). I say, 
Frenchy. I don't want anny 'phonin' from this house 
that I don't know about. 

Armand. But Monsieur ! I must to my business at- 
tend. Just sink of ze Mesdames and ze beautiful young 
ladees zat have in ze order for ze dress and I not zere to 
serve zem. Ah, Monsieur ! eet ees, what you call heem ? 
Ze great calamity ! Yes ? No ? 

Pa-^ick. It'll be a great calamity for you if I catch 
you at that 'phone again, now remember that. [Exits R. 

Armand {walking up and dozvn stage excitedly as 
Mary A. enters c. d.). What shall I do? What shall 
I do? Ze old man h'e is crazee. He ruin my busi- 
ness. To sink zat I, ze world's greatest Modiste should 
undergo zis humiliation. Cest le terrible ! 

Mary A. It's too bad, Monsieur! It's just too bad, 
that's what it is. Now, let's sit right down here and 
see if we^ can't figure some way out of it. Now what 
can we do? {Sitting l.) 

Armand. Do? Do? {Excited.) I would like to 
beat ze tattoo on Mons. Casei's stomach. {Makes passes 
as though striking.) Oh, to sink zat I, ze great 

Mary A. Yes, yes, I know that. The question is to 
get you out. Possibly if I got you out, you might be able 
to get Kathleen and me ouc. Now let us think for a mo- 



62 TURNING THE TRICK 

ment. (Pauses. Arm and assumes different postures of 
profound thinking. ) Oh, I have it ! How about this : 

{Whispers in Armand's ear as Patrick enters and 
stands R.) 

Armand. Oh, Madame, eet ees excellent ! Your plan 
ees, what you call heem ? Inspired ! Now listen to your 
Armand : 

(Whispers to Mary A. She answers him and he 
again whispers. Patrick pidls up his sleeves, spits 
on his hands, etc.) 

Mary A. Oh, Mons. De Lovier! You can say the 
nicest things and I just know if you follow my advice you 
will be able to get away. 

Patrick (coming forward). So! Madam Casei! I 
have caught you, have I ? 

Mary A. Caught me what? You told me I could 
marry the dressmaker. Perhaps I am getting ready to 
follow your advice. 

Patrick. Faith, and if that's all that's worryin' your 
red head, ye needn't be excited. You can marry the 
dressmaker or the janitor or who ever the devil you 
please, for all I care, but I don't want any plottin' to 
get the dressmaker or anybody else out of this house 
until Patrick Timothy Casey gives the word. Do you 
get that now? 

Armand. But for why you keep me, ze great Ar- 
mand 

Patrick (picking up cushion and drazving it hack to 
throw). Choke it off! Choke it off, Frenchy. Yer 
head's jest about soft enough that a sofy pillow would 
make a good dint in it, so be careful. 

Arma-nd (feeling his head). Soft? Soft? My head 
is what you call soft? Me, ze great Armand Fran- 
cois 

Patrick (putting hand over his mouth). Aw, shut up 
yer face, ye'll let the draft in. Now git ! Ye can tell yer 
story to the next one ye bump into. (Shoves Armand 
out c. E.) And as for you, Mary Anne Casey, git up- 



TURNING THE TRICK 63 

Stairs and no more shennanigans with that Frinch jumpin' 
jack. 

Mary A. {crying). You — you brute! To treat your 
lawful wedded wife like this. Oh, you monster! You 
viper I You rat ! You — you 

Patrick. Yes, go on. 

Mary A. {crying very loud). To treat your dear little 
Mary Anne this way, when she loves you like she does. 

{Exits stairs and cries very loud just outside door.) 

Patrick. I garry ! I'd better go and shut her up or 
she'll be after havin' the neighbors in to see what I'm 
bateing her up for. [Exits stairs. 

Anna {enters c. d., followed by Kathleen). Under 
no conditions would I stand for it, Comrade Kathleen. 
Why should he play the tyrant, simply because he is your 
father? {Sits l. ; Kathleen at table r.) Why should 
he, I say? 

Kathleen. That's just what I think. What right 
has he to insist on me staying here when I don't want 
to stay? 

Anna. None whatever. We are all free, free as the 
birds of the air and the lilies of the field. 

Kathleen. Oh, how beautifully you talk, Comrade 
Anna. You must have traveled and studied a lot. 

Anna. Yes, I have traveled considerably. You see 
the police 

Kathleen. The police! 

Anna. That is — er, I am a bolshevik, a free thinker. 
I believe in expressing what is in me and in taking what 
I want, and the police have — er, kept me moving. You 
understand. 

Kathleen. Oh, yes I How romantic ! 

Anna. Yes, isn't it? 

Kathleen. But suppose I did leave here. Comrade 
Anna, where should I go? 

Anna. Go to this address. {Goes to table and writes 
card.) You will find friends of mine there. Stay there 
for a few days and let no one know where you are. Just 
think of the sensation it will make ! Think of the head- 



64 TURNING THE TRICK 

lines in the papers. " Kathleen Casei, the beautiful 
daughter of one of New York's wealthy contractors, dis- 
appears with all her jewels." Of course, you will take 
your jewels with you, all of them. 

* Kathleen. Oh, of course. You are wonderful to 
think of things like you do. But should I take all of 
them ? 

Anna. Every one of them. Don't think of going 
without them. 

Kathleen. Now, let me see: I have the diamond 
sunburst and the pearl necklace and the ruby locket and 

the emerald brooch and the You are quite sure 

they will be safe with your friends? 

Anna. Oh, quite sure. You need have no worry. 
If you once reach there with your jewels they will be in 
safe hands, I can assure you. 

Eileen (enters stairs). Miss Casey, your father 
would like you to go to your mother at once. She is 
hysterical. 

Kathleen. Hysterical? How absurd. I shall take 
everything and go there, Comrade Anna, but I am not 
going to tell even you how I am going to get out. 

(Exits stairs; pause in which Anna watches Eileen 
closely, Eileen making no effort to leave the room.) 

Anna. Well ! 

Eileen. Is there anything I can do for you, Madam ? 

Anna. Yes ! Leave the room ! 

Eileen. Very well. [Bozvs and exits R. 

Anna (looks around room hurriedly and then goes to 
'phone). Van Courtland 1617. — Anna speaking. Have 
the machine on the corner here at twelve o'clock to-night, 
sharp! I must get out. There's a police officer in the 
house and a girl that suspects something. I wish you 
had sent Smith or Young Wallace. I don't more than 
half trust this Humpy. Now mind — twelve sharp. Oh, 
by the way! There'll be a young fool show up there 
sometime to-day or to-morrow. She'll have a bag full of 
jewels. You'll know how to handle them. — Sure! You 
know. 



TURNING THE TRICK 65 

{Hangs up receiver, looks around room and exits c. d.) 

Eileen {enters after short pause, closes door care- 
fidly, looks out c. D. and then goes to 'phone). Informa- 
tion, please. Can you give me the subscriber's name for 
Van Courtland 1617. — The Hotel Clancy? Thank you. 
{Gets 'phone hook and looks through it. Jim and 
Maggie enter r.) Oh, Mr. Dougherty, I'm so glad you 
came in. I don't know why, but I have suspected that 
Madam Bairski and I just listened outside the door and 
heard her call Van Courtland 161 7 and ask for a ma- 
chine to be at the corner at twelve sharp to-night as she 
must make her getaway, whatever that means. She 
knows you are an officer and says she suspects me. 

Jim. Um-hum. 

Eileen. I looked up the number in the book and it's 
the Hotel Clancy on the lo\ver Bowery. If she is what 
she claims to be why should she be acting this way ? 

Jim. You would make a good detective, Miss 
O'Rourke. As for Madam Bairski knowing me, no doubt 
she would. I have been instrumental in having her sent 
up twice for some of the stunts she has pulled off. 
{Takes hook.) The Hotel Clancy, eh? Van Courtland 
1617. You are sure it was that number? 

Eileen. Positive. 

Jim {laying down hook). The hangout for a bunch 
of crooks. I know the place. And the machine was to 
be here at twelve sharp? 

Eileen. Yes. 

Maggie. What are you going to do? 

Jim. Be here at the windup and see what Is coming 
off. If I don't get anything else, I'll probably get the 
diamonds, as she evidently knows where they are. Then 
we might possibly catch 

Maggie. Oh, Jim ! Please don't do anything to Mike. 

Eileen. Mike ! I mean Mr. Casey — why he — that 
is, there is nothing wrong with him, Is there? 

Jim {looJiing at Eileen sharply). Miss O'Rourke, why 
did you tip Mr. Case}^ to the fact that Madam Bairski 
was listening to his 'phone conversation some time ago ? 



66 TURNING THE TRICK 

Eileen. How did you know that ? 

Jim. Never mind. Why did you do it ? 

Eileen. Why, I Mr. Casey has been very good 

to me, Mr. Dougherty. 

Maggie. Why, Eileen! He's the crankiest, most 
cantankerous man to be around that I know of. That is 
lately. (Michael in hallway, l.) I can't think what 
has gotten over Mike. 

Jim. Whatever your motive. Miss O'Rourke, it was 
very kind of you to aid him. You have done him a favor 
which some day he will be glad to repay. {Looks at 
watch.) We still have some time before dinner. Shall 
we take a little walk around the grounds? {Offers his 
arm to Maggie.) Will you join us, Miss O'Rourke? 

Eileen. No thank you. 

[Jim and Maggie exit window, talking. 

Michael {coming forward). What was he saying? 
What does he intend doing ? Tell me, for God's sake ! 

Eileen. Don't excite yourself, please, Mr. Casey. I 
have a plan. 

Michael. What can we do to prevent him carrying 
out his scheme? Oh, Eileen, he'll find the diamonds and 
I'll be disgraced and I can't stand that. 

Eileen. Can't you trust me ? I tell you I have a plan 
that can't fail. I am sure I can save you from being 
found out. Please believe me. Just let things go on as 
they are and trust me. 

Michael. But how will I know? How can I stand 
this suspense? 

Eileen. Listen ! Mr. Dougherty expects an effort 
will be made to remove the diamonds at twelve o'clock 
to-night. 

Michael {going toward table). I'll take them away. 

rii 

Eileen. No, no ! Leave them where they are. Just 
leave the matter in my hands and I can promise you you 
will be rid of them. 

Michael. But I can't let them get into other hands. 
I must deliver them. 

Eileen. Just leave that to me, Mr. Casey. My plan 



TURNING THE TRICK 67 

can't fail. And whatever you do, don't come down here 
at twelve o'clock. Promise me. 

Michael. But Eileen 

Eileen. Promise me, please. 

Michael. I — I promise. 

Eileen {shoving him gently toward door c). Trust 
me, Mr. Casey; everything will be all right. (Michael 
exits c. D. ; Eileen goes to table, feels to see if diamonds 
are there, and then goes to window.) I don't like to do 
it, but I ,can see no other way ; I can see no other way. 



CURTAIN 



ACT III 

SCENE. — The same. Midnight, Tuesday. 

{Curtain should be drawn on darkened and empty 
stage. Moonlight outside window i.. Eileen conies 
down-stairs and goes slowly to table where dia- 
monds are hidden as Humpy appears in moonlight 
outside window. Eileen removes diamonds from 
under table when slight noise is heard on stairway. 
She runs and hides behind couch l. as Humpy dis- 
appears from window. Jim appears on stairway 
7vith revolver in hand. Pauses a moment at foot of 
stairs then walks to table, goes over table, drawers, 
etc., then goes to window for a moment. He then 
softly tiptoes into hallway l. As he disappears into 
hallway Eileen quickly darts from behind couch and 
starts toward window. At window she stops and 
notices the dress box beside zvindow. Hurriedly 
drops diamonds in the dress box, and hearing 
Michael on stairs, again hides behind couch.) 

Michael (enters stairs and goes to table. Reaches 
for diamonds). My God! They're gone! 

Jim (in halhuay). Hands up, you! Be quick! 
(Michael throws up hands.) You at the foot of the 
stairs there, and you over by the couch. Put your mitts 
up, all of you, and be quick about it. No monkey buslr 
ness either. (Turns on light and stands zvlth back to 
audience. Eileen is disclosed standing at end of couch 
near window. Madam Bairski right front, Michael back 
of table, Kathleen at door of music room with satchel 
at her feet, Mary A. and Armand on stairs. All have 
hands up.) Now then : Are you all after the diamonds? 
(No answer.) Nothing to say, any of you? (Pause; 
to Michael.) Well, you evidently knew something 
about them, so we'll just put the cuffs on you to be sure 
we've got you. Put out your hands. 
63 



TURNING THE TRICK 69 

(Michael in a daze puts out his hands.) 

Mary A. (coming forzvard). What do you mean by 
this ? My boy has done nothing wrong, I know he hasn't. 

Eileen {quietly, stepping forward). Mr. Casey had 
nothing to do with the diamonds, Mr. Dougherty. I am 
the one you are after. 

Jim. So you're the one I'm after, are you? {To 
Michael.) We'll just buckle you up for safe keeping, 
anyway. Put out your hands. 

{Puts handcuffs on Michael.) 

Mary A. Who are you to take such liberties in this 
house? 

Jim. I'll give you full particulars as to who and what 
I am later. All I can say at present, Mrs. Casey, is that 
your son has placed himself in a mighty compromising 
position, and I think he will be best under restraint for a 
while. {To others.) You can drop your hands now. 
{All drop hands.) Don't make any unnecessary moves, 
though, for I have you covered. {To Michael.) You 
sit down there. {Points to chair hack of table.) The 
rest of you get over here. (Jim steps hack c. ajid points 
L., zvhere all go hut Eileen, who stays near couch back.) 
Now then, Miss O'Rourke, we'll hear your story. 

Eileen. Can't I speak to you alone, Mr. Dougherty? 

Jim {looks from one to the other). Mrs. Casey, al- 
though I can't see your reason for being here, I don't 
think you are in any way connected with this game. Will 
you go to Mr. Drake's room and tell him to come down 
at once? Tell him to come right away; not to stand on 
ceremony. [Mary A. exits stairs. 

Michael {rising). You are in wrong, Dougherty. 
{Nods fozvard Eileen.) She had absolutely nothing to 
do with it. 

Eileen. Please, Mr. Casey, don't try to take the 
blame for what I have done. I can handle myself. 

(Puts finger to lips as sign for Michael to keep quiet.) 

Michael. But I can't stand for this. You are 



70 



TURNING THE TRICK 



wrong, and you know it. She had nothing to do with 
this, Dougherty. I can explain 

Jim. You'll have every opportunity in the world to 
explain and so will she. So will all the rest of you. I 
am the best little old listener in the world when it comes 
to explaining things, especially in a case of this kind. 

Anna. I protest against your high-handed manner of 
conducting things. Why should we be held here just 
because you say so ? The mere fact that we were in this 
room at midnight is no reason for you holding us up at 
the point of a gun. 

Jim. That'll be just about enough from you, Annie. 

{Looks at her meaningly. Anna clinches her hands, 
bites her lips and turns away.) 

Kathleen (indignantly). The idea! Who are you 
to act like this with us ? Father's dancing master ! Why 
have you handcuffed my brother, ordered my mother 
around as though she were a servant and spoken, to our 
guest as you have? If they wish to stand for it, / don't. 
I am going to my room. (Starts toward stairs.) 

Jim. I would advise you to stay where you are. Miss 
Casey. 

Kathleen. I shall do nothing of the kind. 

Jim. You had better take my advice. 

Kathleen. I won't. (Again starts toward stairs.) 

Jim (pointing gun toward her). Go back where you 
were. (Kathleen glares at him a moment, then re- 
sumes former position.) When you move again let me 
be the one to tell you to do it. Do you get me? 

Kathleen. I — I (Looks at gun; very meekly.) 

Yes, Mr. Dougherty. 

George (enters from stair, hair rumpled. Wearing 
pajamas and bath-robe. Is follozved by Mary A. 
George goes c, Mary A. r. front). What's up, old man? 
(Notices others.) Why, what's on? Kathleen! What 
are you doing dressed readv to go out at this time of 
night, and Mike! My God! Mike! Why, what's 
wrong ? 

Jim. Here, Drake, take this gun. (Hands gun to 



TURNING THE TRICK 7I 

George.) Just a moment. {Exits r., returning almost 
instantly with door key.) I have locked the other door 
to that room. (Puts key in pocket.) You take this 
crowd in there and see that none of them leave until I 
give them permission. 

(Stands at door r. to permit them to pass.) 

George. But what's up? What does it all mean? 

JiAi. I think I have the man, or woman, I am after. 
I'm not so sure about the diamonds, but I don't think 
they are far off. Come, ladies and gentlemen. 

Mary A. Diamonds ! What diamonds ? What are 
you talking about ? 

Armand. Sir ! Zis ees one insult. For why you ar- 
rest me? Me, ze great Armand Francois 

Jim. Mons. De Lovier, I would arrest the King of 
Siam if he was here and had a hand in the tangle I am 
trying to clear up. Pass right in. 

Anna. This is an outrage ! 

Jim. No remarks from the gallery, Annie. Slip right 
along. (All exit but Anna, Eileen and Michael.) 
Come right along, Annie dear. 

Anna (clenching hands). Oh, wouldn't I lik^ 

Jim. Yes, I know you would. But for the present 
you had better follow the others. (Anna glares at him 
and exits R.) Now then, we can talk in peace. What 
have you to say, MissO'Rourke? 

Eileen. Nothing. 

Jim. Nothing? Didn't you want to speak to me 
alone ? 

Eileen. We are not alone, Mr, Dougherty. 

Jim. You can speak before Mr. Casey. 

Eileen. I have changed my mind. I have nothing 
to say. 

Jim. Changed your mind, eh? Well, I understand 
that is a woman's privilege. All right. What have you 
to say for yourself, Casey? 

(Eileen, r., Jim, c., Michaex, l.) 

Michael. I have (Eileen motions to keep quiet) 
nothing to say. 



72 TURNING THE TRICK 

Jim {looking from one to the other). Oh! You 
haven't ! Now look here, you two. I think one of you 
brought those diamonds into this house, so evidently one 
of you is the party I am after. Just which one, I don't 
know. {Looks at Michael.) I have my suspicions, 
though. {During this conversation Humpy stealthily 
enters from window and removes bag of diamonds from 
box where Eileen had placed them. As he gets outside 
window, makes noise. Jim whirls around facing 
window.) What was that? 

{Walks toward window and looks out; to Michael.) 

Eileen. Why did you come down here when I told 
you not to? 

Michael. I couldn't stay away, I 

Eileen. Say nothing, no matter what you hear or see. 

Jim {coming forward). So you have nothing to say, 
either of you ? 

Eileen. Nothing, Mr. Dougherty. 

Jim. And you, Casey? 

Michael {after a short pause). Nothing. 

Jim. One of you is a mighty good liar and the other 
one pretty good at holding their tongue, but if we can't 
get anything out of you we'll try someone else. But 
before I call anyone in, how about the diamonds? 
{Neither answer.) What have you done with them, 
Casey? {No answer.) All right. {Goes to door R.) 
Send Miss Casey in, Drake. {Motions for Michael 
and Eileen to go into room r., which they do, passing 
Kathleen as she enters.) And now. Miss Casey, will 
you tell me what you were doing in this room at mid- 
night, dressed for the street? 

(Kathleen on couch; Jim, c.) 

Kathleen. I don't think that is any of your btisiness. 
Jim {opens coat and shozvs her badge). Possibly that 
will give you to understand it is some of my business. 
Kathleen. Just who are you? 
Jim. Jim Dougherty, of the United States Treasury 






TURNING THE TRICK 73 

Department. Here to get a man, or woman, who has been 
disposing of diamonds smuggled into the United States. 

Kathleen. What man or woman? 

Jim. If I knew that I wouldn't be questioning you. 

Kathleen. Is that why you put the handcuffs on 
Mike? Why, Mike wouldn't do a thing like that ! 

Jim. I hope he didn't, but things look mighty interest- 
ing for Mike just the same. Now for his sake and your 
own I would advise you to tell me just what you know 
about this case. 

Kathleen {earnestly) . Oh, I don't know anything at 
all about it. This is the first time I even knew there were 
diamonds in the house. • 

Jim. Are you sure you weren't trying to get them out 
of the house for your brother? 

Kathleen. Oh, no, indeed, Mr. Dougherty! In- 
deed I wasn't. You see Daddy and I had a quarrel and 
he said we were all to stay in the house until 

Jim. Yes, yes, I know about that. I helped arrange 
it. 

Kathleen. Indeed ! Well, if you know so much 
about it why are you questioning me ? 

Jim. Please don't take that tone, Miss Casey. I must 
know the ins and outs of this case. 

Kathleen. Well, I don't believe Daddy has any right 
to say what I shall or shall not do. My life is my own 
to live as I please. 

Jim. Comrade Anna's teaching, I presume? 

Kathleen. Yes, it is, if you must know. 

Jim. Do you know who she is? 

Kathleen. Yes, she is a Russian lecturer. 

Jim. Do you know where she's from? 

Kateileen. Why from Russia, of course. Where 
should she be from ? 

Jim. Russia ! Humph ! She's just about two weeks 
out of Sing Sing. 

Kathleen. The idea ! What would she know about 
Sing Sing? 

Jim. My dear young lady 

Kathleen. I hate people being so familiar. 



74 



TURNING THE TRICK 



Jim. I beg your pardon, Miss Casey. Madam Bair- 
ski, as you call her, is one of the slickest confidence 
women in New York. She has a police record as long as 
your arm. 

Kathleen {dropping her hag). I — I don't believe 
you ! 

Jim {at door). Drake! Send Slippery Anne out to 
me. 

Kathleen. Slippery Anne! Is that her name? 
(Anna enters.) Why did you take me in like that, 
you — you Representing yourself to me as a bol- 
shevik. You a crook, a confidence woman. I — I could 
tear your eyes out. 

Anna {contemptuously) . I'd like to see you try it, 
you empty-headed little fool ! 

(Jim nods tozvard door r. ; Anna exits.) 

Jim. Now have you anything to tell me? 

Kathleen. Yes, I have ! I made up my mind I was 
going to get out of this house to-night no matter what 
Daddy said. I told Madam Bairski about it, I mean that 
Slippery Anne woman, and she urged me on. Told me 
she wouldn't stand for it either if she were me. I had 
no particular place to go, so she gave me the address of 
some friends and told me to go there and stay for a day 
or so. She said if I disappeared for a couple of days it 
would make a big sensation and I would get my name in 
the paper and — and so I thought everybody would be 
asleep at midnight and that would be my chance — and 
you caught me, and — and {Sobs.) 

Jim. There, there, Miss Casey. You are not the first 
one she has taken in. But in the future I would advise 
you to listen a little more to your father and not so much 
to outsiders. 

Kathleen. Oh, I will, I will ! 

Jim. May I see your bag? 

Kathleen {picking bag up). There's nothing in it, 
really — only a few things. 

Jim. I would like to see those few things. I must 
find those diamonds, you know. {Opens bag, reaches in 
and finds jewelry.) Whose jewelry is this? 



TURNING THE TRICK 75 

Kathleen. Mine. 

Jim. What were you going to do with it? 

Kathleen. That — that woman told me to take it 
with me. 

Jim. Where was she sending you? 

Katpileen {takes card out of glove and hands it to 
Jim). Here's the address. 

Jim {reading). Hotel Clancy! {Places hag on floor 
in front of zmndow.) Miss Casey, that place is a regular 
nest of crooks and thieves. You are a lucky girl you 
were caught in time. Now go up-stairs and get down 
on your knees and thank God that you are still under 
your father's roof and don't be so foolish in the future. 
(Kathleen slowly exits stairs. Jim looks after her a 
moment.) Little fool! {Goes to door R.) All right for 
Anne again. (Anna enters; walks front r.) I'm wait- 
ing. 

Anna. What for? 

Jim. For you to spill things. Go to it. 

{Sits couch.) 
Anna. Some gentleman, I'll tell the world. 

{Should drop all semblance of good breeding, speak- 
ing in a slangy, don't-care manner.) 

Jim {rising). I beg your pardon. {Bows.) Be 
seated, Madam Bairski. 

Anna {sitting l. of table). Lop off the Madam stuff. 
Got a pill about you ? 

Jim. Sure. {Hands her cigarette case.) 

Anna {takes cigarette and lights it). I've been dying 
for one of these. 

Jim {sitting l.). Now that I've acted the gentleman, 
go ahead and tell me what you know about this affair. 

Anna {who is just ready fa smoke, drops cigarette and 
turns to Jim). What affair? 

Jim. This diamond business. 

Anna. What diamonds ? 

Jim. Now, Annie, I'm Irish, don't rile me. You 



76 TURNING THE TRICK 

know quite well what diamonds. The ones yon are here 
for. 

Anna. I don't know what you are talking about. 

Jim. Oh, yes, you do, Annie. Come across, come 
across. If you get it out of your system you'll feel better. 
Besides, it might influence me to put in a good word for 
you. 

Anna {angrily, rising). What for? Why should you 
put in a good word for me, I'd like to know? 

Jim. Now, Annie 

Anna. Who do you think you're talking to? Some 
sucker that don't know anything? Some one that you 
can get to spill everything they have in them and then 
have it put over them by a smart gazaboo like you ? Well, 
you got another think coming, old topper. {Snaps 
fingers.) I ain't telling anything, see! I ain't got any- 
thing to tell and if I had I wouldn't talk until I saw my 
lawyer. And another thing: yon ain't got nothing on 
me, for I ain't done anything for you to get your hooks 
on me for. You can't arrest me simply because I'm in 
this house. I was asked here by Miss Casey as her 
guest. If you don't believe me, ask her. Ask anybody. 
It ain't no crime to be invited into a rich man's house, 
is it? I ain't stole anything. If you don't believe me, ask 
them if anything's gone. I don't know anything about 
your old diamonds and I've been acting the lady ever 
since I came here. Now if you think you have anything 
on me, go to it. (^7'/^ table.) 

Jim {rising and looking at her admiringly). No 
wonder they call you Slippery Anne ! You're all there 
when it comes to handling yourself, aren't you? All 
right. Granted I haven't anything on you. You are here 
in a house where there are a number of smuggled dia- 
monds. You are caught at midnight where the diamonds 
are supposed to be hidden with all evidences of being 
prepared for a hasty flight. And besides, the maid heard 
you call up the Hotel Clancy and ask for an auto to be 
on the corner at twelve sharp. 

Anna {clenching her hands). Oh, if I had my fingers 
on that girl ! 



TURNING THE TRlCK 77 

Jim. That got you, didn't it ? Nozv have you anything 
to say? 

Anna {turns and looks at him a moment, then lan- 
guidly fixes her hair) . Not a thing, dearie ! 

Jim. Nothing as to where the diamonds are, either? 
(Short pause, Anna polishing her nails, etc.) All right, 
run along. I'll get to the bottom of this thing if I have 
patience. (Anna exits r.) We'll now take the dress- 
maker. 

Arm AND (enters r.). Oh Mon Dieu! Mon Dieu ! 
To sink zat I should come to zis; me, ze great Armand 
Francois Boni Aime De Lovier. And in zis house where 
I have so many favors done for Madame and Mademoi- 
selle, Ah ! Armand ! Armand ! eet ees ze one great — 
great — what you call heem? Tribulation you have to 
endure. And now, Monsieur, what does ze policeman 
want wiz Armand De Lovier? 

Jim. What do you know about this diamond business? 

Armand (surprised). Diamond business? I know 
nossing about ze diamonds. Monsieur. I make ze dress, 
Monsieur. I do not sell ze diamond. I am ze great 
artiste in Madame's clothes, not in ze jewelry, Monsieur. 

Jim. What were you doing in this room when I 
caught you, about half an hour ago? 

Armand. Ah ! Monsieur ! ze old man Casei he is 
crazee. He say no one shall leave ze house, but I, Mon- 
sieur, am a man of ze business. I must leave. I have 
ze business zat requires ze brains of ze world's greatest 
modiste to run eet, so Madam Casei and me we make ze 
— ze — what you call heem? Ze — ze plot, and she say, 
" Meet me in ze living-room at ze midnight and I get you 
out," and so, Monsieur, I be here and zen you come, and 
oh ! Mon Dieu ! Mon Dieu ! what will become of me 
now? 

Jim (laughing). Mons. De Lovier, I think if you go 
to your room and stay there, I can safely promise you 
that you will be permitted to leave this house to-morrow 
morning. 

Armand. Ah ! Mons. Doherti, you are ze gentleman. 
I kees your hand. (Grabs Jim's hand and kisses it. 



78 TURNING THE TRICK 

Jim jerks it away.) I kees your cheek. (Kisses Jim on 
both cheeks, Jim protesting.) And now, Monsieur, I go, 
I go. (Starts toward stairs.) But once more I salute 
Monsieur. 

(Kisses Jim on mouth and then runs upstairs.) 

Jim (rubbing mouth with handkerchief). The crazy 
fool ! He hasn't sense enough to steal diamonds. 

Maggie (enters from stairs). What's going on, Jim? 
I just met Mons. De Lovier on the stairs and he grabbed 
me and kissed me as he passed. 

Jim (rubbing lips). You're not the only one he kissed. 
I got it too. 

Maggie. I heard talking down-stairs and I came down 
to see what was the matter. 

Jim. I have made the round-up, and while I haven't 
found the diamonds — in fact, haven't looked for them, I 
have one party handcuffed and another confessing they 
are the one I am after. 

Maggie. Who has confessed? Not Mike? 

Jim. No, not Mike. Eileen. 

Maggie. Eileen! You are crazy. What would that 
girl know about smuggling diamonds? 

Jim. That I don't know, but I do know that she has 
confessed she is the one I am after. 

Maggie. I don't believe it. Bring them in here and 
let me have a talk with them. Perhaps I can get the 
truth out of them. 

Jim (at door r.). Send Casey and Miss O'Rourke in, 
Drake. (They enter.) Casey, your sister would like 
to speak to you. 

Maggie. Why, Mike ! I didn't know you were hand- 
cuffed. Can't they be taken off, Jim? 

Jim. I suppose so. I'll put you on your word, Casey. 

(Removes handcuffs, Michael rubbing wrists.) 

Maggie. Just leave me alone with them for a few 
minutes, Jim. (Jim bows and exits R.) Now, Mike, 
tell me all about it. 

Michael. There's nothing to tell. 



TURNING THE TRICK 79 

Maggie. Don't take that tone, Mike. For your own 
sake, if you know anything about this diamond business, 
teil it. 

Eileen. I told Mr. Dougherty that I was the one he 
was after. Why does he persist in holding Mr. Casey? 

Michael. Eileen, I don't see why you do this for 

me. You know I ( Catches himself as Eileen 

turns and looks at him.) I — I don't like it, that's all. 

EjLEEN. Neither do I, but Oh, why don't they 

take me away and settle it? 

{Walks to window, Michael down R., Maggie, l.) 

Maggie (looks from one to the other). Come here, 
you two. (They pay no attention fo her.) Come here. 
(Pulls them down on couch l., Maggie sitting center.) 
Now, I am sure that neither of you is in this smuggling 
business. 

Michael (rising). Don't get into this, Maggie. 

Maggie (pidling him down). Sit still! I know you, 
Mike, and I don't think you would do anything to dis- 
grace the name of Casey. 

Michael. A great name to be disgraced! Casey! 

Maggie (indignantly). Of course it's a great name to 
be disgraced. Why wouldn't it be ? It's a shame to dis- 
grace any Irish name 

(Shot heard outside window, with command "Stop, I 
tell you! " All rush to window.) 

Humpy (enters window grasping left shoulder with 
right hand. Is holding hag of diamonds in left hand; 
staggers toward table l. and falls; Maggie and Michael 
help him to chair l. table, as George, Jim, Mary A. and 
Anna rush on stage from r.) I guess he binged me, all 
right, but I — I held on to the diamonds. 

(Falls hack in chair.) 

Michael. My God ! Linton ! You— you 



Maggie. Some water, quick! The man's wounded. 

[Mary A. exits l. 



8° TURNING THE TRICK 



Humpy I got the diamonds all right. I-I 

Mary A. {enters with glass). Here, drink this. 

(Humpy drinks water.) 

/yoTrniYhi^rn ^i4°":£' 11^ -,-" 

Th-afhur^^^' ^'"'' ^°"^' ^^^^ SS!) S^T 
WWeTd— "' *' ^"'"°"'^^' ■"-. the diamonds! 
ItfrS th-g ntrtS toSr.Smg .eVf S 

hea'^dTshot.^^wTatf^p/'"" '" ^'''^-^^' ^'-)- I 

ScB^- Cai'efuirtggi:.''^'^- t£-..«^...V.. 

(rA^3; help Humpy upstairs.) 
Jim (/>m/^ diamonds in pocket^ T Ti^vpn'f ^.^^^ 

Mad'amT -^'v*'^ ^'^'"? ^^^^ ^^ O^^oX'^T.ll 
Madam Bairski can wait in there. (Points r ) If vnn 

o?,t-HT'^ '° f° °"'' A""ie' don't forge there's a m°n 

pATRin^ Wiu , t, ^' 1 i -^ [£^//^ ttp-stairs. 

iviiCHAEL. I— I can't tell you. I— I . 

(Sits couch with head in hands.) 

«"? ISVe^ffad^'d'T" """ ^''""'^ ''^ 

old Daddy all about it ' ' ^°" ' ^'^' ^^-^- ™' y^-" 

Michael. They just carried a dying man up-stairs. 



TURNING THE TRICK 8l 

Dad, and he's a crook and a thief and one of the most 
notorious men in New York, but he saved me from — 
the — penitentiary. 

Patrick {looking around room). ^ Hush! Lad! Ye 
don't know what ye're sayin'. 

Michael. It's true, Dad, it's true ! Oh, father, I've 
been a rotter if ever there was one. I've had all the ad- 
vantages you could give me and I have wasted them. 
I've — I've 

Patrick. There, there, lad, tell yer old Daddy all 
about it. He'll stick by ye, no matter what ye've done. 

Michael. I've been playing poker lately. Dad, and I 
got into debt. I owed a lot of money and didn't know 
how to pay it. I asked you to increase my allowance and 
you wouldn't. It never occurred to me that I might go 
out like a man and earn some money for myself. Then 
I got this chance of disposing of these smuggled dia- 
monds. 

Patrick. But, Mike 

Michael. Oh, I know it wasn't honest, but I had to 
have money and I wasn't man enough to get it in an 
honest way, so I went into this. Yesterday was .the third 
time I had handled them and it was to be my last. I was 
to get five hundred dollars for the job and that would 
straighten me up. 

Patrick. But why didn't ye explain to me, lad? 

Michael. Because I was a fool, but I've had my les- 
son to-night, Dad, and I'll remember it. You see I got 
into a crowd that had more money to spend than I had, 
and when I couldn't keep up with them they called me a 
quitter and began to twit me about — well 

Patrick. Yer dad being a hod-carrier in his young 
days, I suppose. 

Michael. That, and us being Irish, and our 
name 

Patrick. As though that was a disgrace. Now, I'm 
not manin* to prache to ye, lad, but ye can be just as 
proud of the name of Casey as ye can of yer Nevilles 
and yer Byrons and yer Montmorencys. 'Tis a good 
old-fashioned name. Ye'll find it in all walks of life. 



82 TURNING THE TRICK 

especially in places where men are doin' some good in 
the world. Many a good policeman have I known be the 
name of Casey. And again, lad, 'tis like old Bill Shake- 
speare said, "A rose be anny other name would smell as 
swate." So the good deeds of a Casey can shine just as 
bright and make just as many people happy as those of 
the King of England, bad cess to him ! Yer whole 
trouble, as well as yer mother's and yer sister Kathleen's, 
is that ye've been tryin' to fly a little higher than the good 
Lord intended ye to, forgettin' the fact that society and 
havin' yer name in the papers and runnin' around with 
the smart set, don't do your soul anny good or make yer 
conscience anny easier on ye when ye do wrong. 

Michael. I know it. Dad, I know it ! 

Patrick. Now there's Mary Anne. She's the one 
woman I picked out of the whole world to be yer mother, 
lad, and I think the world of her and what she's done in 
it, for she was me friend and me standby when I needed 
one bad. But she got the idea in her head lately that 
because I started in life carryin' the hod, and was proud 
of it, there was something wrong with me, something to 
be ashamed of. She needed her lesson, and I think the 
goin's on here this night will be one for her. It's the 
same way with you, lad. You needed your lesson and ye 
got it, and ye can get down on yer two knees the night 
and thank the good God above ye that ye're not doin' yer 
penance inside the walls of the jail instead of here beside 
yer old Dad that loves ye. (Takes out handkerchief and 
blows nose loudly, then wipes eyes.) There, be off with 
ye ! But whist, lad. Before ye go, would ye be after 
tellin' yer old Dad that ye love him, like ye used to when 
ye was a little codger and I brought ye home some candy 
of a night? Could ye, lad? 

Michael. Don't, Dad, don't. You are making me 
ashamed of myself. 

Patrick. Faith and I'm not tryin' to, lad. I'm proud 
of ye, although I haven't had the opportunity of sayin' 
it to ye much lately. 

Michael. Dad, you are one of the best men that ever 
lived. I do love and honor you and I'm proud that you 



TURNING THE TRICK 83 

are my father. And, Dad : Tm going to be proud of the 
fact that I'm Irish and that my name's Casey. I'll never 
be ashamed of that again. 

Patrick {delighted). Would ye hear that now? 

Michael. Linton took the blame of the whole thing 
to-night and cleared me before Dougherty. Why I don't 
know. 

Patrick. Thank God he did ! It's over with, and ye 
can begin all over again. {They shake hands.) 

Kathleen {on stairway; very meekly). Dad! 
Where's George? 

Michael. He took the man who was shot up-stairs. 

{Goes to window.) 

Kathleen. Was that a shot? I heard it, but didn't 
know what it was. Who was hurt? 

Patrick. Don't ask anny questions. What are you 
doin' up at this time of night? 

Kathleen. I want to see George. You see. Daddy, 
I was going to run aw^ay to-night and make a fool of 

myself and Mr. Dougherty stopped me and^and 

Oh, Daddy ! I'm going to be the best little girl to you 
from now on and I want George. 

George {enters hurriedly from stairs). Where's that 
Bairski woman? She's wanted. 

Kathleen {running to him). George dear, I want to 
tell you 

George. I haven't time now. Where's Madam Bair- 
ski? 

Michael {points r.). She's in there. 

George {at door r.). Madam Bairski! You are 
wanted up-stairs at once. Please hurry. 

{She enters and exits stairs with George.) 

Kathleen. Well, the idea ! I wanted to talk to him 
and he never even looked at me. 

Michael. There are more important things going on 
here to-night, Kathleen, than patching up lover's quarrels. 

Kathleen. Indeed ! 



84 TURNING THE TRICK 

Patrick. Here, here, here ! Come here, the two of 
ye. 'Tis a good chance I have. There's a secret I want 
to be tehin' ye, now that Mike has come to his senses. 

Kathleen. What is it? 

Patrick. 'Tis a great secret ! {Looks around stage.) 
I was after expectin' ye would have found it out before 
this, but ye didn't. 

Michael. Perhaps you had better get it off your 
mind, Dad. 

Patrick. 'Tis about Eileen. 

Kathleen. Eileen ! 

Michael. Eileen! What about her? 

Patrick. Whose daughter would ye be after thinkin* 
she is? 

Kathleen. Why, her father's and mother's, of 
course. 

Patrick {indignantly). 'Tis a wonderful mind ye 
have, me dear, a wonderful mind. As though anny fool 
wouldn't know that. Her father's and mother's ! 

Kathleen. Well, what do you mean ? What are you 
talking about ? 

Patrick. Ye've often heard me tell about me friend 
O'Malley as lives in Californy, haven't ye? 

Michael. Quite frequently. 

Patrick {to Michael). And of how I would like to 
see ye married to his daughter? 

Michael. Yes, I have. But what has that to do 
with Eileen? 

Patrick. Eileen is the daughter of me friend O'Mal- 
ley! {Looks from one to the other in triumph.) 

Kathleen. What ! Eileen, our servant, the daughter 
of your friend O'Malley? 

Michael. The daughter of O'Malley? But why has 

she — what has she {Grabs father by the arm.) 

Come here and sit down and tell me all about it. Every 
bit of it. {They sit couch, Patrick in middle.) 

Kathleen. The idea ! Don't miss a word ! 

Patrick. Well, 'twas this way, Mike. When ye were 
at yer worst runnin' around to these pink teas and playin' 
poker and the Lord knows what else, I wrote and asked 



TURNING THE TRICK 85 

me old friend O'Malley's advice about what to do with 
ye. He said to have ye get married. I said all right, but 
where's the girl that I can find for him that has as much 
sense as he has, and the Lord knows ye hadn't much in 
them days, Mike. 

Michael. Thanks. 

Patrick. Ye're welcome. So O'Malley says how 
about me daughter Eileen. She's good lookin', sensible, 
knows how to play the pianny and 

Kathleen. Get to the point, father ! 

Patrick. I am, if ye'U give me time. So the only 
question was to have ye meet her, for yer mother had 
got her head full of a bunch of ideas that the O'Malleys 
wasn't good enough for the Caseys. So I invites Eileen 
for a visit without Mary Anne knowin' annything about 
it. Well, she landed here on a day ye were all out and 
on this same day yer mother had sent to the employment 
office for a new maid, and the maid got here the same 
time as Eileen and I took Eileen for the maid. She took 
it as a joke and then got a great idea, that I let her come 
on as the maid and get acquainted with the family. So 
I give the real maid twenty-five dollars and -let her go 
and 

Michael (rising). She has been working here for us 
as maid ever since. A girl that is a graduate of Vassar 
and — why, Dad, if it hadn't been for her I would be — 
I want to see her alone. (Shoves them toward c. d.) 
- Patrick. But just a minute, Mike. 

Michael (shoves them out CD.). Go on! You can 
tell me about it later. (Goes to door r. and calls.) 
Eileen! (Eileen enters.) Eileen, I want to thank you 
for your kindness to me to-night. What was your reason 
for helping me as you did ? 

Eileen. For your father's sake, Mr. Casey, and — and 
— oh, it was nothing, Mr. Casey, nothing at all. 

Michael. It was a whole lot to me, Eileen. Only 
for you and your kindness to me I would now be in 
Central Station. 

Eileen. Don't, Mr. Casey! 

Michael. Why did you do it, Eileen? 



86 TURNING THE TRICK 

Eileen (hesitates a moment). I must go, Mr. Casey. 
(Starts R.) 

Michael (holding her). Did you do it because — well 

• — because Eileen, Dad told me who you are. I've 

been a fool and the next thing to a thief. Only for your 
help and the generosity of that man up-stairs I would be 
in jail. Eileen, I've had my lesson, one that I'll never 
forget. I have found out that it doesn't take money and 
position to make a real friend and — Eileen, do you think 
you could ever learn to care for me? 

Eileen. No, Mr. Casey, I don't think I ever could. 

Michael. Why couldn't you? 

Eileen. I don't think I could ever learn, Michael, be- 
cause I do already. 

Mary A. (enters from stairs). Oh, Michael, Michael, 
such goings on in this house to-night ! Maggie's up- 
stairs waiting on that thief hand and foot as though he 
was somebody, and when I told her she shouldn't do it 
she said he was a human being and that he should have 
attention while he was under this roof whether he was a 
thief or not. 

Michael. Maggie is right, mother. 

Mary A. What! (Notices Eileen.) Leave the 
room, Eileen ! 

Michael. Just a moment, mother. Eileen and I are 
going to be married. 

Mary A. (screaming). What! Going to be married ! 
Are you crazy? Have you lost your wits? You, marry 
a servant girl? Oh, this is too much, too much! I am 
going to faint, I know I am going to faint. Catch me, 
Michael, catch me! (Staggers.) 

Michael. If you faint, mother, you can catch your- 
self. I'm not going to do it. 

Mary A. What! Oh, such a way to talk to your 
mother. (To Eileen.) It's all your fault. I knew as 
soon as you came into the house no good would come of 
it. Thank God ! Patrick hired you, not me. 

Michael. Listen a moment, mother. Eileen Is not 
the girl you think she is. She is really Eileen O'Malley. 



TURNING THE TRICK. 87 

Mary A. Not Eileen O'Malley, the daughter of Tim 
O'Malley of San Francisco? 

Michael. The same. 

Mary A. (smiling). Why — why — he's worth a milUon 
if he's worth a cent, but I don't care, 1 don't want you to 
m:irry any of the low Irish. You might even marry into 
the peerage. 

Michael. Now, look here, mother. I have had my 
lesson to-night and I think from what you have seen you 
should have had yours. I shall marry Eileen and no 
other, if she will have me. I have loved her for the last 
three months but was too much of a snob to admit it, 
even to myself. I couldn't think of marrying a servant. 

Mary A. A servant! That's just it. What will our 
friends say? Why did you do a thing like this? 

(Goes L.) 

Eileen {following). I'll be glad to tell you all about 
it, Mrs. Casey, if you will give me the opportunity. 

Anna {enters from stairs, staggering. Michael goes 
to her). Send them away. I want to speak to you a 
moment. 

Michael. Eileen, will you take mother into the music 
room for a moment ? I want to speak to Madam Bairski, 
alone. {Very low.) Trust me and go, please. 

Mary A. But Michael, why should you stay here with 
that 

Eileen. If you will come with me, Mrs. Casey, I'll 
tell you all about how I came to be here. 

Mary A. Oh, yes, yes ! I want to know all about 
that. I've heard Patrick say your father is a great rail- 
road man in the west, and that he's worth at least a mil- 
lion. [They exit L. 

Anna {sitting l. of table). He's dead. 

Michael. My God! 

{Turns and walks toward window.) 

Anna. He was my husband and I didn't know him 
until he told me who he was. {Slowly.) I didn't know 
him! 



88 TURNING THE TRICK 

Michael. Your husband! What are you saying? 

Anna. Yes, my husband! We were married about 
ten years ago in Chicago, but I was a httle fool. All I 
thought about was having a good time. He was for a 
home and children and — well, things didn't go good and 
I left him. Ran off with a thief and a confidence man 
and have been drifting from bad to worse ever since. 
Linton just told me that it was me going away that made 
him what he was. 

Michael. I'm sorry. 

Anna. He said to tell you this should be a lesson to 
you. That you have a good father. To remember that 
and if you are tempted to anything like this again, just 
think of Jack Linton. 

Michael. I will, I will ! God knows I have learned 
my lesson. 

Anna. He's taken the blame for everything. Told 
Dougherty he was the man who had disappeared in front 
of the house when the bulls were after him and that yes- 
terday when he entered he was mistaken for the new 
janitor, so stayed on, biding his time to get out, and — 
and — you know the rest. 

Michael. Is — is there anything I can do ? 

Anna (rising). No. Dougheity's arranged every- 
thing. They haven't got anything on me, so I guess I 
can go. 

Enter Patrick l. 

Patrick. Oh, ho ! So there ye are. So ye're a 
Roosian, are ye, Slippery Anne ? Huh ! A-rushin' from 
one jail to another, I suppose. (Points.) Well, there's 
the dure. Jest rush out of that as fast as yer legs can 
carry ye. 

Michael. Don't, Dad ! The man who was shot has 
died. He was her husband. 

Patrick. Go on wid ye, Mike ! Is that a fact ? And 
me a-talkin' to ye like the baste that I am. Sit down 
and take off yer coat. Ye can wait until morning, anny- 
way. (Anna sits l. of table, bows head and sobs.) 
There, there, me dear. Don't ye pay anny attention to 



TURNING THE TRICK 89 

me at all, at all. Sure nobody around the house does, 
do they, Mike? 

Michael. Well, I guess they haven't in the past. Dad. 

Patrick. See there, now? So dry yer eyes, there's 
a good girl. 

Jim (enters from stairs, followed by Maggie; to 
Michael). I'm mighty sorry, Casey, that I humiliated 
you in the manner in which I did. Linton's confessed 
the whole thing. It's going to be quite a feather in my 
cap to have caught him. I beg your pardon and trust 
you'll forgive me. (Reaches hand to Michael.) 

Michael (shaking hands). That's all right, Dough- 
erty. I— I don't blame you at all. 

Patrick. Maggie, darlint ! Would ye be after takin' 
this poor girl up-stairs and puttin' her to bed ? Make her 
as comfortable as ye can. She'll be lavin' us i-n the 
mornin'. 

Jim. Do you forget who she is, Mr. Casey? I have 
nothing on her this time and will have to leave her go, 
but it's a good thing to remember her past record. 

Patrick. 'Tis a poor world if we can't help those as 
needs it, Jim, and, this poor girl needs it now, I'm after 
thinkin'. (Takes out pocketbook.) Here, lassie, I don't 
know how ye are ofif for money, or annything about ye 
for that matter, but a few extra dollars when ye're in 
trouble won't be after comin' amiss. 

(Hands her money and lays pocketbook on table.) 

Anna. I— I (Takes money.) Mr. Casey, you 

are a gentleman. Whether what has happened here to- 
night will be a lesson to me or not I can't say, but I 
promise you I'll never forget your kindness. 

Patrick. There, there, run along wid ye. Make her 
right at home, Maggie. She's in trouble. 

Maggie. I'll attend to her. Daddy. (To Anna.) 
Come with me. (As Maggie passes Jim als'o speaks to 
him.) Come around to-morrow, Jim, and we'll really 
get acquainted. 

Jim. Good-night, dear. (Anna and Maggie exit 
stairs.) And now, Mr. Casey, as I have the diamonds 



90 



TURNING THE TRICK 



and the man I was after is dead, I think I will go. I'll 
have to get rid of the men outside and turn in my report. 
I'll also send the wagon around for — that up-stairs. 

Patrick. I suppose ye'd better. Good-night to ye, 
lad. {Shakes hands with Jim, who exits c. d. Looks at 
zvatch.) Glory be to God, if it ain't one o'clock. We'll 
rout out Mary Anne and Eileen and have a cup of coffee 
and then I think we'll all be trottin' off to bed. 

Michael. I wonder how Eileen and mother made 
out. 

Patrick. Don't ye worry none about that lass, me 
boy. She's a wonder. [They exit r. 

George (enters stairs, looks around stage and then 
calls softly). Kathleen! 

Kathleen (enters c. d.). Oh, George, I've been wait- 
ing in the hall for you. George dear, I've been a nasty, 
mean, contemptible, stuck-up, ill-tempered, bad girl, and 
I pretty near got into an awful predicament on account of 
it, and only for that Mr. Dougherty I would, and I want 
you to forgive me, and — and marrv me right away quick. 
Will you? 

George. Will I ! You just give me a chance. 

(Bends head to kiss her just as Michael puts head 
in door l. and calls.) 

Michael. Say! Do you know it's after one o'clock? 
Quit your spooning, put out the light and come on in and 
have a cup of coffee. [Exits. 

George (as he puts out light). We'll talk it over the 
first thing in the morning. 

Kathleen. Yes, George dear. 

(They exit r. ; stage dark for a moment then Anna and 
Humpy appear stairs. Have flashlight which they 
use coming down-stairs. Pause a moment at foot 
of stairs. Humpy goes door l. and peers into room 
then comes back c.) 

Anna (going window). Let's get out quick while the 
gettin's good. If we're caught we're goners. 

Humpy (grabbing her). No, you fool! Wait until 



TURNING THE TRICK. 9I 

we're sure Dougherty's took the guard away. {At 
window.) There's the man at the gate now. 

Anna {goes c, followed by Humpy). Why did you 
pull this stunt off ? Why did you have me tell that fairy 
tale about you being my husband? What's the idea? 
They've got the diamonds. What are you making out 
of it? Why didn't you let Dougherty take the kid when 
he was going to ? Why did you take the blame ? 

Humpy. For one thing he's young yet and I don't 
want him to get into the kind of a life we're leadin', 
Anne. 

•Anna. For God's sake! You ain't turning sancti- 
monious, are you? 

Humpy. And then his old man's square, Anne. You 
know that, and maybe I was a little bit of a fool into 
the bargain. Anyway I done it and I ain't sorry I did. 
As for the diamonds, don't be too sure about them havin' 
them. How about these ? 

{Puts hand in pocket and seemingly takes diamonds 
from pocket, flashing light on them.) 

Anna. The sparklers ! Let me feel 'em. .How many 
are there? How did you get 'em? I saw you throw 
them on the table. 

Humpy. You saw me throw the bag with a bunch of 
little stones in it on the table. 

Anna. But the diamonds. 

Humpy. Well, while I was waitin' for you I saw the 
maid come in and take them from where young Casey had 
hid them. 

Anna. Where were they? 

Humpy. In a bag tacked to the underside of the 
table there. {Points.) When the girl found she was 
caught she dropped 'em into the dress box but I was 
right outside the window and grabbed 'em. I put the 
diamonds in my pocket and filled the bag with jpebbles 
from the walk. That's what the " Dick " took away with 
him. 

Anna. Good enough for him. Fd like to see him 
when he opais that bag. I owe him one anyway. 



92 TURNING THE TRICK 

Humpy. I was a little leary about havin' that guy 
shoot at me, but he just nipped my coat. Then I pulled 
off the dyin' stunt and he got his diamonds, so I knew I'd 
have nothin' more to look out for from Dougherty. 

Anna. But what was the idea of me teUing them you 
was my husband ? 

Humpy. Well, we'd settled for the detectives, but we 
still had the family to consider. They're in there now 
I'll bet, talking about the tragedy. That leaves us a clear 
road for beatin' it as soon as Dougherty pulls his man 
away from the gate. (Goes to window and looks out.) 
You'd probably 'a' pulled this off if you hadn't been 
buckin' yours truly. How would you like to work with 
me after this? {Returns c.) 

Anna. If Frank had only sent Jimmy Smith or 
Young Wallace I coidd have made it. 

Humpy. Frank knows which side of his bread has 
the jam on. He's not buckin' Jack Linton yet. He's 
wise to what's goin' on around this old burg and as soon 
as you bucked in on it he give me the tip, so I was all 
prepared for you. But you worked a good scheme, old 
girl. That bolsheviki's new stuff all right. Now how 
about my proposition ? 

Anna [walks to windozv and then returns c. to 
Humpy). It's a go. Now let's get out before someone 
catches us. 

Humpy {at window). I guess things ought to be safe. 
Yes, the man at the gate's gone. We'll chance it. But 
let's see if there's anything else worth takin'. We don't 
want to miss anything. {Goes to table and finds pocket- 
hook.) Apocketbook! Filled too. Pretty soft! I guess 
there ain't much else we can get our mitts on. {Starts 
toward window and stumbles over Kathleen's grip.) 
What's this? 

Anna. That little fool's satchel. And she has all her 
jewelry in it. Talk about luck ! {Takes satchel.) 

Humpy. All right, come on. {Stumbles over dress 
box.) Sufferin' cats! We'll have the whole bunch on 
us in a minute. 

Anna. That's the Frenchman's dresses. Take them 



TURNING THE TRICK. 



93 



too. rU need some new dresses, and it ain't often I get 
a chance to wear a De Lovier. 

Humpy. A De Lovier? Huh! You won't have 
nothin' on me. I gyped his whole outfit before I came 
down. Coat, pants, the whole shebang, gold watch and 
some coin included. (Plays flashlight over his clothes.) 
Pretty nifty, ain't they? 

Anna (looking him over). I'll say so. 

Humpy. Come on, now, let's get out. We'll be cartin' 
off the parlor piano next. {Picks up dress boxes and 
stands in window a moment, looking r.) Come on. 
Everything's O. K. [Exits window. 

Anna (stands in window a moment, turns and looks 
toward door l.). Good-night, Paddy Casey. You're the 
only sport in the whole layout. [Exits window. 

Patrick (enters l., searching pockets. Is followed 
by Mary A., Michael, Eileen, George and Katee- 
leen). No, I didn't lose it, for I know I had it not 
more than ten minutes ago. I gave that girl fifty dollars 
out of it. Now, where could I have put it? 

Mary A. You can never remember where you put a 
thing ; you are always losing something. 

Michael. Are you sure you didn't lay it down some 
place ? 

Patrick. No, I put it right back in me pocket. 
(Searches.) No, I didn't do annything of the sort. I 
laid it on the table there. Faith and I remember now. 
(Goes to table and turns on light; hunts over table for 
pocketbook.) That's queer! Em sure I put it here. 

(All go toward table.) 

Maggie (enters stairs, dressed in nightgown, hair 
down back, etc. Is much excited). Daddy! The dead 
man's gone ! 

All. What ! 

Maggie. He's gone, I tell you ! I went to my room 
to put on my nightgown before going to bed and then I 
thought I would have a last look to see if that woman 
was all right. She wasn't in her room and I thought she 
had gone in to see the dead man. I went in to where he 
was and he was gone. 



94 



TURNING THE TRICK 



Patrick (looks from one to the other, smiling). Faith 
and they're not the only thing that's gone. Me pocket- 
book with about hve hundred dollars in it is gone, too. 

Arm AND {enters stairs wrapped in bed spread). Rob- 
bairs ! Robbairs ! Robbairs ! I have been — what you 
call heem ? Swiped ! 

Mary A. You have been what? 

Armand. Swiped! Robbed! Stealed! Zat is what. 
Somebody she steal my coat, she steal my pants, she 
steal my chapeau, she steal everysing I have but — what 
you call heem? My — my — ABC's. Ah! To sink zat I, 
ze great Armand Francois Boni Aime De Lovier, should 
have to wear ze bed spread before ze ladees. Eet ees 
terrible ! When I shall get out of zis house I shall nevair, 
nevair enter heem again. I De Lovier have said so. 

Patrick. I garry ! That's one consolation we've got 
out of the bust-up. Now rtm along back to bed and we'll 
send for a suit for ye the first thing in the morning. 

(Kathleen goes to where Jim placed her bag.) 

Armand. Oh, that I should such indignanties have to 

endure. I, ze great Armand Francois 

[^Exits stairs talking. 

Patrick. And now 

Kathleen. Father ! My bag ! I saw Mr. Dougherty 
put it here. It's gone and all my jewels were in it. 

Mary A. (looking for dress boxes). And the beauti- 
ful dresses that Mons. De Lovier brought us! They're 
gone too. We've been taken in in fine style. We must 
call the police. (Starts toward 'phone.) 

Patrick (stopping her). No, my dear; we won't do 
that. Let them go in peace. They're welcome to all 
they've got. They've done us a good turn the night. 
Ain't they, Mike? 

Michael. Fll never forget them, Dad. 

Patrick. We've lost nothing that can't be replaced. 
What's a pocketbook, a few jewels, or some dresses to a 
man's honor? (Looks at Michael.) Me boy's come 
into himself this night. Thank God ! and they were in- 
strumental in helpin' him find himself. Fll make good all 



TURNING THE TRICK 95 

ye've lost, so fair weather to their heels. And now, be 
off to bed with ye ! The whole bunch of ye ! I garry, 
it must be one-thirty. 

(All start for stairway except Mary A.) 

All. Good-night, etc. 

Michael {goes to foot of stairs, turns and looks at 
father. Goes back to him, looks him in the eyes and 
extends^ hand) . Good-night, father! 

(They shake hands heartily.) 

Patrick. Good-night, son! 
Michael. Good-night, mother. 

(Kisses her on cheek and exits stairs.) 

Patrick. Ain't he the grand lad ? And hasn't every- 
thing turned out just elegant? Faith and I tried a little 
bit of Irish on ye and with the help and grace of God 
and the assistance of a couple of crooks it worked, didn't 
it, Mary Anne? (Catches himself,) I — I mane Marie 
Annette. 

Mary A. Go along with ye, Paddy Casey. My- name's 
Mary Anne and I don't give a hoother who knows it. 
Would you be after enjoying some corn beef and cabbage 
for supper to-morrow night, Paddy darling? 



CURTAIN 



Plays for Junior High Schools 



Sally Lunn 

Mr. Bob 

Tbe Man from Braadofl 

A Box of Monkeys 

A Rice Pudding 

Class Day 

Chums 

An Easy Mark 

Pa's New Housekeeper 

Not On the Program 

The Cool Collegians 

The Elopement of Ellen 

Tommy's Wife 

Johnny's New Suit 

Thirty Minutes for Refreshments 

West of Omaha 

The Flying Wedge 

My Brother's Keeper 

The. Private Tutor 

Me an' Otis 

Up to Freddie 

My Cousin Timmy 

Aunt Abigail and the Boys 

Caught Out 

Constantine Pueblo Jones 

The Cricket On the Hearth 

The Deacon's Second Wife 

Five Feet of Love 

The Hurdy Gurdy Girl 

Camp Fidelity Girls 

Carroty Nell 

A Case for Sherlock Holmes 

The Clancey Kids 

The Happy Day 

I Grant You Three Wishes 

Just a Little Mistake 

The Land of Night 

Local and Long Distance 

The Original Two Bits 

An Outsider 

Oysters 

A Pan of Fudge 

A Peck of Trouble 

A Precious Pickle 

The First National Boot 

His Father's Son 

The Turn In the Road 

A Half Back's Interference 

The Revolving Wedge 

Mose 

BAKER, Hamilton 



MaUs 


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Place, Boston, 


Mass* 





A- 



t^ :Ar -1^ Ofc^^Jj^^ifc^-Jl^^l^. J^^^^J^^^^tU,^ 


LIBRARY OF CONG 

!!l!!!!!ll!ll!lllllll!lllllllllll!!lll 

015 926 617 


RESS 

II nil II 


y Plavs and Novelties Thaf Ma 


II ill 

' 5 


Jb X Id y O «I1U XH «^ V v«l LlViiO 


Males 


Femal 


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Price Royalty 


3 Camp Fidelity Girls 




II 


2^ hrs. 


35c 


None 


S Anita's Trial 




II 


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M The Farmerette 




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jj Behind the Scenes 




12 


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^ The Camp Fire Girls 




15 


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M A Case for Sherlock Holmes 




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J The House in Laurel Lane 




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S Her First Assignment 




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M 1 Grant You Three Wishes 




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2 Joint Owners in Spain 




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M The Original Two Bits 




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J The Over-Alls Club 




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S Leave it to Polly 




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M The Rev. Peter Brice, Bachelor 




7 


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2 Mfss Fearless & Co. 




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% A Modern Cinderella 




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M Theodore, Jr. 




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2 Rebecca's Triumph 




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H Aboard a Slow Train In Mizzoury 


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M Twelve Old Maids 




15 


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2 An Awkward Squad 


8 




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1| The Blow Up of Algernon Blow 


8 




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M The Boy Scouts 


20 




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J A Close Shave 


6 




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^ The First National Boot 


7 


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4 A Half-Back's Interference 


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2 His Father's Son 


14 




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1j The Man With the Nose 


8 




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M On the Quiet 


12 




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J The People's Money 


II 




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y A Regular Rah ! Rah ! Boy 


14 




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M A Regular Scream 


II 




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2 Schmerecase in School 
^ The Scoutmaster 


9 




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lO 




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M The Tramps' Convention 


17 




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2 The Turn in the Road 


9 




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Ik Wanted— a Pitcher 


II 




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d What They Did for Jenkins 


14 




2 " 


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2 Aunt Jerusha's Quilting Party 


4 


12 


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S The District School at Blueberry 












J Corners 


12 


17 


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J The Emigrants' Party 


24 


10 


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^ Miss Prim's Kindergarten 


10 


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m A Pageant of History Any numbei 


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2 The Revel of the Year 


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^ Scenes in the Union Depot 


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J Taking the Census In Bingville 


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2 The Village Post-Office 

3 O'Keefe's Circuit 


22 


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12 


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2 BAKER, Hamilton Place, 


» Boston, 


Mass. 


r^pr-^ 



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1811C65 



